“Yo hhablo es-pan-your."

"Español."

“Es-pan-jour.”

“Noo español."

“Es-pan-oool.”

“No!”

¨Whatever.¨

Let’s just say, pronunciation is the key to communication, and communication is dependent on language. So shouldn’t I be able to know a language and communicate perfectly to others? Maybe, but that’s usually never the case. Language is a group of words in a dialect where you either butcher every syllable or swiftly glide through it like a plane. There is no in between, no if’s, and's, or buts; you just do it.

"El car-row azul."

“Carro.”

“Car-row.”

“CARRO.”

¨Car-row.¨

¨Forget it.¨

“Am I not saying it right?!”

“Roll your r’s!”

“I can’t.”

“Then, just stop.”

Either you say it correctly or you're like me, neglected because my r’s don’t roll off my tongue as perfectly as they are suppose to. People rejecting to respond to my sentences because the sounds don’t feel right against their ears. People judging my accent as if I should've had gotten it right the first time, but it wasn't that easy.

I remember, it was after my first Spanish one test, or should I say prueba. I was so happy that I got a good grade on it so I wanted to speak Spanish to every single Hispanic person I ever knew. I thought by my grade being high meant that I could speak fluent Spanish and understand it perfectly, but I was wrong. Elani Gonzalez- Ortiz; the first Spanish oriented person to walk pass.

“Hola, ¿cómo estás?”

“Muy bien, ¿y tú?”

“Muy bien.”

“kgfwuelagru ghruaggfk fhaiunfmsug.”

What had been a new birth of a language quickly turned into unknown jibberish. I wanted to ask, but I needed to figure this out. I was better than this; I KNEW SPANISH! I had gotten a ninety-five for a reason; and I was going to figure out what she was saying. It took me days, weeks, until I just gave up. Yup, that's exactly what I did, I gave up. I soon realized that Spanish wasn't for me; I was just another child denied by the world of Spanish and their foreigners. I accepted that role as a person, but for some particular reason somewhere in my heart still felt the need to be better than that. I felt, I wasn't going to be the test dummy to a society of a new profound language. I was going to make myself be heard, in Spanish, so I studied.

A’s and B’s seemed to constantly occur every marking period as a statement that I have gotten somewhere in my Spanish journey. Spanish sentences flowed so perfectly against my eardrums and all just seemed to all become one inside my head. So, I tried again.

“Hola, ¿cómo estás?”

“Muy bien, ¿y tú?”

“Estoy bien.”

“Oh, , tjyvgj ynhfgub ygjbyyj”

It happened again… I am officially done with Spanish.

Communicating within languages that aren’t foreign to you can be the biggest struggle you encounter throughout your life. This not only affects me but the people I am trying to communicate with. I only have two options in this situation, to either, further my knowledge within Spanish and become very well spoken, or stop talking to them at all. Either way I will always have a constant struggle upon me.

Currently I have an A in Spanish; currently I am becoming better than I once was yet again. I gave up and came back multiple times throughout my past years just to end up here. Sometimes I do wonder, why do I keep trying or why do I even care so much.  But then I notice that if it wasn’t for my school’s constant requirement of taking Spanish classes and my love of Spanish music, then I wouldn’t be here right now. Spanish has been that language that seems to just grow with me. Whenever I feel like letting it go, it always seems to find it’s way back to me; and I am okay with that.

According to google’s very own definition resources, language is “the system of communication used by a particular community or country.” In this definition there are no limits or requirements of how much of that language you need to know. All that is needed is for you to be able to say a couple of those words to another person who also speaks it and then, you are considered a person who knows the language. Well, at least that is how I see it. This definition gives me is a reason for my hope, the reason for my devotion and dedication to Spanish; it gives me path that I will take.

I hung around too many Hispanic in my life, not to understand. Always feeling like the outcast was never a fun thing to me. I would purposely invite others who didn’t speak Spanish just to fill somewhat in place. But I always had that dream that if I could just learn to understand Spanish, I would be okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my foreign language of English, but sometimes you need to learn something new to feel better within yourself. English will always be my most dependent on language; it will always be my first resort of communicating. But being able to do both, English and Spanish will always be a reminder of where I started and how far I have came.

“Hola, ¿cómo estás?”

“Muy bien, ¿y tú?”

“Asombroso.”

“Oh, ¿por qué te sientes así?”

“Porque yo hablo español.”

“Y usted está hablando a la perfección!”

“Lo se, gracias.”

“¿Para qué?”

“For not rejecting me in a world of foreigners.”

“Hey, do you want to come with us to Chinatown?” the people I knew in my stream would ask.

“I don’t know,” I said in an unsure manner.

That is what I usually sound like when I am in school, with people I feel uncomfortable around. I am not a very extroverted person and when it comes to being social, I’m not sure about what I should say, do or how I should act. When I’m around people that I hardly know, I feel like they won’t accept me for who I am. In times like these, I am unable to make decisions for myself because I feel out of place and I feel like I’m the center of attention. When I’m the center of attention, I feel uncomfortable, like I am being judged and that affects how I make decisions. Sometimes when I can’t make decisions on my own, I go further into the corner that is my shyness instead of breaking out of my shell and thinking for myself. When I put myself in these situations, I am always questioning myself like, “What should I do?” or “Should I just do this?”

My first year of high school was very tough because everything was new to me, especially the language people used. I heard people using slang words that I didn’t know the meanings of or what they were saying. After a while, I did get used to the slang and started to use those words when I spoke to people at school in order to fit in. The way I spoke was different whenever I got home from school because I respected my parents enough where I wouldn't use slang words.

In my sophomore year of high school, things have changed, especially the slang. I do feel like it’s my freshman year because of my new stream, new friends, new languages, even though everything still seems new, but different to me. This year is different only because of my new friends, languages and everything that goes along with it. I am still very shy and aware of what I say because I’m afraid that I will sound unintelligent to them. As James Baldwin said, “People evolve a language in order to describe and thus control their circumstances, or in order not to be submerged by a reality that they cannot articulate.” This relates to me because he is saying that people change their language to fit in, not be judged and to be on the same level as everyone else, and my case, it would be the level of intelligence. He is also saying that it is easier to understand someone on your level, instead of being left “clueless” from someone on a different level of intelligence.

Sometimes when I am around people that I don’t know in other places, I think that I sound weird to the people. Also, if they ask a question that I either don’t understand or hear, I would be afraid to ask if they could repeat the statement. I am a very shy person, so that really doesn’t help with speaking up and asking people to repeat. When it comes to situations like that, I just don’t want to ask them to repeat because I always think that is rude. I am also a very kind person, which also plays a big role in being shy.

“So, who had an awesome day today?” I would ask my family when we were sitting down, eating dinner. When I am in my own environment, I feel “free” and able to do what I want and be what I want. I don’t have the pressure of being different or being weird because I was being myself. I think the way I speak determines how I feel or act around people. I think language plays a big role in determining someone’s identity because some people talk differently and act differently around certain people. I know that I do act differently around my immediate family, than I do around my cousins, aunts and uncles. With my cousins, it’s usually easier to talk to them, even though some of them fall into the category of people my age. I feel this way around them because I grew up with them and I have always felt close with them. With my aunts and uncles, they tend to try and make me the center of attention because they are used to their kids being more out-going than I am.

My parents, on the other hand are the complete opposite because they let me be who I am and don’t try to make me be something I’m not. They are fine with me being introverted because they can understand and have explain how they can relate to me. They let me use my own language, even though they try little by little to break me out of my shell. They tell me to talk to people if I am having problems, such as being my own advocate and tell me to try and speak up if I have a question. My language derives from the language they use, which I always used for as long as I can remember.

“Wow, your daughter has an extensive vocabulary? Where does she get it from?” people always ask my parents.

“She’s always been very mature and she has always very courteous. She sometimes surprises me.” My mom would respond.

The language you use says a lot about a person because language is multiple things. It is mainly your dialect, your accent and the words you use, which does say a lot about one person. It tells a story about who you are and where you are from. Language and identity go hand in hand because one determines what the other is like and they are both used as ways to express oneself. You will never know who a person truly is until you are able to meet with them, talk to them and really get to know them.

Language is a form of communication that people or animals use. Since everyone is different, that means that we have different ways of communicating. Mostly by age groups; but there are also other major differences in the way we communicate. .

One day when I was walking from school, I saw an old friend of mines. I didn’t even recognize her until she came up to me.

“Hey! I haven’t seen you in like forever!”

“I know right, how you been?”

“Good, how ‘bout you?”

“I’m great, everything is ok.”  

“That’s good, it’s nice to see you, I gotta go right now, I’ll call you later. Maybe we can go out for lunch or dinner next time.”

“Sure, that’ll be nice, see you!”

People have many different  ways to talk to one another. The Japanese said that you have three faces. The first face is the one you show to the world. The second one is the one that you show to your family and your close friends. The third one is the one that you never show anyone, and that’s the truest reflection of yourself. To my understanding, the faces you show also needs to be shown by communicating. They way you communicate to the people around you shows who you are as an individual.

Most of the time, people talk to their peers, their closest friends, using a slang words, or

short phrases that are usually common within their generation.  Maybe it might be different when you talk to people that’s not your age, because different generations have different ways of speaking. For example, if a teen uses slang talking to an adult, the adult could think that the teen isn’t properly schooled, or is dumb. It’s also the other way around, where the kids would say that the adults are too “old” to know what they are talking about.

Language can intersect with a person’s identity in many different ways.

“Hey man, how you doin?, I heard Tay threw you an oop with that girl the other day.”

“Wassup man, I’ve been good. Yea he did, that girl got them full moons, yamean”

When people hear things like that, they’re going to say that you’re a kid from the hood. But, if someone said,

“Hey, how are you? I haven’t see you in a long time”

“Hi, I’m doing very good, how about you? And yes, I think the last time I saw you was when you were on your way to school.”

Now, if people hear that conversation, they’ll quickly identify me as an educated kid, who’s smart, kind, etc. Since everyone has a language that they speak, people will criticize or assume who you are just by the things you say. If a little kid came up to me, or anyone that’s older than them, and they start cursing and saying things they shouldn’t be saying; we will all automatically say that the little kid was poorly raised.

Why? Because everyone has a fixed mindset on how someone should talk. I think that people would criticize me more just because of my race. Since, I’m Asian, people assume that our parents are strict and that if we curse or say something bad, people are going to say many different things about me. My parents aren’t that strict, they let me do many things and they trust me to do the right things. I know that if I talked to an adult or someone older than me the way that I talk to my friends, they’re going to say that I have no manners and that my parents didn’t raise me correctly.

I talk differently when I’m around different people. If I’m at school, I’ll talk a certain way to my friends and then another way to the adults or teachers. I usually talk using less slang and more proper English with the grown ups that I encounter. I also talk differently when I’m at home. Since my parents doesn’t speak English, I have to speak to them in Indonesian, and I can’t just talk to them as I normally do. It’s the same as if I was talking to an adult in english; I have to speak to them with proper manners because they are my parents and I have to show them respect. Just like the story I read class where the kid also spoke differently with different people.

Whenever I talk, I talk differently depending on who I’m with. Like when I’m with my friends from school, I would talk to them with slang or with more abbreviated words.

“Yo, where ya goin?”

“I got class in like 5 minutes, I gotta get upstairs. How ‘bout you?

“Same, but my next one is on this floor, so I gotta stay here.”

“Ard, see you later b”

“Ard, later”

As the younger or teenage student of this generation, we usually use more abbreviated words. I think that the language that I use can say a little about me. I know that when people hear me talk to my friends, they might be a little shocked, because of my race but since I grew up in South Philly, I talk like how others talked to me while I was growing up. When I talk to people my age, they’ll say that I’m kind of ghetto, or if you can ask any of my friends, the say that I’m not even Asian, I’m black; because of the way I talk to them. They believe that I am a mean person, but to me, when I talk most of the time, I try to tell my friends the truth and it might be mean to them, but I think that it’s better than to tell them a lie and sugar coating something that’s wrong.

If you ask an adult about me, they might say a different thing about me. If someone asks the teachers at school, they might say that I might be a little loud, or that I’m shy because I don’t participate in class. If someone asks the people that I grew up with which is my church community, they’ll say that I a nice kid, but also I can be a little wild. I might from time to time be a little crazy with the things I say, but I’m a funny person and caring most of the time and that I talk to them with respect and honor.

I think that there are many different ways language identifies a person and how I talk says a lot about myself. Since different people talk differently, they might have only one way of talking to everyone, but there are also people like me, who talks differently depending on my environment. There are a many ways a person can communicate in their daily lives, so it's okay if you differently or the same when you communicate.

“What did you say?”

“Thingy? Just put the thingy over there!” I felt my face heat up. Oh gosh, what was the word? What was it called?!

“Haha, that’s ridiculous, it’s called a wrench.”

“I knew that…kindof.” I bow my head. I should’ve known that… If I just had more time.

Everyone is different in the ways they convey themselves. Speech, writing, even little sayings, not one person uses words the same way. However, some people have trouble thinking of words all together, and one of those people is me.

Words in writing and advanced speech is a slippery slope and often take a while to fully grasp. Know that ‘it’s on the tip of my tongue feeling’? Imagine it happening twice as much and you’ll get more of an idea of people like me who find it difficult to convey what they truly think through words.

Over the years you learn and begin to grasp words more easily, they now appear instead of you having to heave them out of the murky water of your mind. Writing becomes more fun as you see all your work in one solid form. Those muddy thoughts can become clearer with just a little more concentration and more time. Writing is easier now, so much so, however, speaking the words you want to say doesn’t always work the way you want it to.

“Would anyone like to answer why plants grow?” My third grade teacher asked. I looked around the classroom and not a single soul moved. I looked back over to my teacher and she was staring right back at me.

“How about you Zoë!” Her eyes were begging me to say something as I fully understood the material based on my homework grade.

“Um. Well sunlight is, um, what’s the word? Soaked up through the leaves…” I was cut off by a boy sitting two rows in front of me.

“Like a sponge?!”

“Uh, no, well kinda, like the leaf takes it in and stuff happens and…”

“So like food! I never knew plants could eat light!”

“N… no. Plants don’t ‘eat’. They um...” I looked to my teacher with a look that clearly read “Help me!”

“I think what Zoë is trying to say is that plants have special cells that absorb light and turn it into energy.”

“Oooooo!” The whole class understood finally after I caused all the confusion. I was upset at myself for not thinking of the right word, absorb.

Over time I read more and more and vocabulary started to finally stick. I learned of the great book called the thesaurus and would use it whenever I was stuck. However I find myself reverting to my younger behaviors when I can not think of a specific word.

Thingy is my most popular choice. If something makes a noise, like a power tool, I mock the noise.

“Can I use the, um, ‘wer wer’ thingy please?”

Or simply when I am learning a whole new subject, it takes time for me to fully remember the vocabulary.

Now it’s not that I don’t understand what a word means and that’s why I get stuck, no. It’s this infuriating feeling when you know the word, you know the definition, but the word itself is not presenting itself to you.

This often happens a lot when talking about my feelings or emotions.

“How was your day today?”

“Fine.”

“Just fine…?”

“Well, yeah…”

When I am surrounded by people I respect and want to display my skills off, I try to push the mucky forgetfulness away. I use a type a language I consider the ‘proper way’. I try to use a higher vocabulary and try to say what I am thinking or want. If I get stuck I replace the word that I want to say with an easy replacement. And I push through the conversation and never use my childhood words of ‘thingy’ or ‘thingamabob’.

When I am surrounded by friends and family, that tense air drops and I am not as guarded. I make up words as substitutes and not always use the easy synonyms I know. When I get stuck I ask my friends for help, because I am comfortable and not trying to impress them.

Usually when I revert to this old habit I’m called childish or cute, which I have mixed feelings about. Sure my speech might sound childish and I used it since I was young, but I am trying to adapt and speak on things I am not an expert on; I am trying to have grown up conversations. I get really frustrated when someone won’t take me seriously because I am struggling with my sentence structures or word choice.

As James Baldwin states, “It goes without saying, then, that language is also a political instrument means and proof of power.” When it’s hard for me to rediscover new words I’m seen as someone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about. I’m innocent, a child in their eyes, which isn’t true at all. People who view my language habits as below them often think they are the highest, or very powerful individuals. They often use their knowledge of words and put together points and elaborate pieces that sometimes don’t have an interesting or overarching plot. Having a better memory and knowledge of words doesn’t just automatically make your content strong. Now I’m not arguing whether or not how your knowledge of words make you seem more advanced, but it’s how you use them in certain contexts.

Gloria Anzaldúa states “... so, if you want to really hurt me, talk badly about my language.” People assume and people judge, it’s part of human nature. Sometimes it’s really insulting and sometimes it is a small comment. However language seems to be a really prickly subject when it comes to these judgements. For example, I have a hard time conveying myself in words and seem distant or unfeeling sometimes. Just because I don’t know how to convey something doesn’t mean I don’t feel or know about it. How you convey something is really based on who you are. How you access a person also depends on your mood and how you’re feeling. All in all, language isn’t just an organized type of speech shared between groups of people, but it is also how you define and show yourself to other people.

“Fatima are you ready we're about to leave right now.” Mom said .

“K mom I’ll be there in like 2 mins”

We’re going out to eat because my mom was tired from work so were going out to eat at the buffet.

‘’Mom I don't like buffet it's real corny’’.

“Food is food Mom said.”

“Ard mom.”

My mom and dad paid and the waiters took us to our seats

“Hi could I please get a drink ?”

“Sure.” The waiter said

I got up and went to go get my food with my cousins , we all was waiting for the dinner food to come out .

“Yo where the chicken broccoli at?”

“It's over here dummy”  mom said.

“Ard mom you think you cool now’’. I said.

“I am sweetheart now give me a kiss’’Mom said.

I chuckled and gave her a kiss. Whenever i’m out my mom always tell me to give her kiss because she just want to know that i’m going to be safe if she is not directly next to me.  

“You need anything else?”  The waiter said.

“Yes could I get a bowl of ice cream?”

“You talking so proper right now?” My sister said.

“Well I have to be proper I can't be acting like I don't have sense.”

“Here your bowl of ice cream sweetie.” waiter said.

“Thanks.”

“I really want more food yo i'm really fat.” I laughed’’.

“Go get some I ain't pay all this money for nuffin.” Mom said.

“Ard mom I heard you like a million times”

I went to go get some food with my sisters and cousins , we kept bringing stacks of food back to table we all just real hungry.

“This shrimp look real good yo.”

I took a couple of plates of food and went to the table. When I dropped my plates of food on the table I went to go get some fortune cookies because I was bored and wanted to read some fortunes.

“We’re going to leave in 20 mins.” Mom said.

“Ard!”  Everyone yell.

I get my last plates together before we leave.

“Yo my mom drawling she not tryna let me take these plates home like in real life hungry.”

“You just had 3 plates.”  My sister said.

“And ima get hungry after so.”

“You real life stupid forreal”’ My sister said’’.

“I'm not, but your  weird I was talking to my mom not you.” I said’’.

Me and my siblings always get into argument all the time but I still love her but I was seriously talking to my mom though.

We got in the car and my mom got a text message saying that we should stop by our family house and that’s what we did. We havent’ seen our family in a long time and we wanted to link up with each other and see how everything was going.

“Wassup cuzz bro I really miss you.’’ My cousin said.

“Yo bro i miss you too dawg.” I said

“Hi everyone how are you guys?” My aunt said

“Hi big girl you're getting bigger and prettier”  Aunt said.

“Aw thanks.” I said

“Yo I hate family gathering they always acting weird.” I said

“Right that's why i'm never around here they weird.”  Cousin said.

“Right here one of them coming now yall betta shut up.”I said

“Hey Auntie!”  Everyone yelled.

“Hey you beautiful people you guys really grew up.’’ Aunt said.

“Yeah we know lol we did.”  Everyone said.

Me and my cousins were all sitting down at the table eating and talking about school and what we wanted to do with our lives. All of us always wanted to be doctors when we were little but then things change after a while and now we all want to be something different well expect me.

‘’Broo I don’t  even wanna finish school but I got goals forreal I want my dad to know even if he can’t  be with me now he can see me in heaven. ‘’Cousin said’’.

‘’Bro we all miss him RIP to Uncle Mohammed but you gotta do this for you finish high school then go to college and get a job and work you really gonna see the hard work paying off. ‘’ I said’’.

‘’You right’’ Cousin said.

‘’I love every single of yall yall really my homies’’ Cousin said.

‘’We love you too’’ I said.

After we had our conservation I started thinking about my life goals of what I wanted to do. I want to be a doctor get my money and help my mom and dad out since they raised me and now it will be my turn. I know I need to bring my grades up graduate high school and college and then be successful. I know my cousin wants to make her dad proud of her all she can do right now is finish school her dad would be so proud of her. My cousin dad was killed from lung cancer on March 14 2015 11:54pm. After that day she was never the same.

‘’ We got food on the table if you guys are  hungry ?’’ My aunt said

‘’ No thank you we just came back from the buffet with my mom not to long ago’’ I said.

‘’ Okay the food will still be there if you become hungry again ‘’ My aunt said.

‘’ Ard thank you’’ I said.

My cousins tell me when i’m with my family I speak proper but when i’m not with them I speak like i’m  from the hood. I laughed because I know it’s true when i’m with my family i’m shy and don’t  speak as much but when i’m with my cousins or friends I talk a lot and i’m not proper i’m like hood talking. I think I talk the same anywhere I go.

‘’ Yo I think i’m boutta leave ‘’ I said

‘’ Yeah cuz she getting ready’’ Cousin said.

‘’ Just hit me up cs I be really missing you dawg’’ I said.

‘’ I gotchuu you know I will love you little cousin’’ Cousin said.

‘’ Love you to big cousin’’ I said as I shed a tear.

After that day my cousin was never the same. It was something going on with her I just couldn’t figure what was it. One day she texted me and said she wanted to be with her dad she just couldn’t take the pain anymore. I talked to her and talked to her and she finally realize that her dad would always be in her heart no matter how far they are from each other.

‘’ Come on baby it’s time to leave’’ Mom said.

‘’ Ard mom i’m outside already at the car’’ I said.

My mom tell her goodbyes  to her family and we get in the car to go back home.

‘’ Mommy I really love you I don’t wanna lose you mom I swear I don’t’’. I said.

‘’ Princess I can’t  say i’m going to be with you forever but I can tell you that you won’t lose now’’.’ She said.

“Hey,wassup wit you?” I say eating my lunch.

“Nuthin much tryna finish up some of dis homework.” Kimberly says sitting across from me says. “True. aight. Imma let you do yah homework. Imma hop outta dis joint and catch you later.”

I say as I walk away from Kimberly.  When I talk to my friends I use a lot of slang and I don’t usually sound a lot of my words out but this is because I see no need to. I am comfortable in the way I speak to my friends because I know that no one will correct me and I also know that they also speak that way to me as I speak to them. Then again, I am much more comfortable and laid back with them. I don’t have to censor my words. I speak a language my parent’s don’t understand, it’s teen. Teen is more like a laid back tone with words that we've made up just to make school feel a little more at home.

  At home I usually sound a lot of words out and use complete sentences because my parents want me to speak proper so that I can learn to use both slang and correct english because both  can come in handy.I also speak more proper at home because my parents don’t understand most of the Philly terms I use, especially because they are both from New York. So I don’t really have a choice or they just wouldn’t understand a word that I say. In meetings and professional events I use correct english and try my best to use complete thoughts. I change my language or the way I speak based on location,gender,age,sometimes race,personality and the event.

The location I am in is  a very significant influence in the way I speak. If I am in a classroom setting I don’t use profanity and when speaking to a teacher I don’t use slang. The reason is because even though I am in a classroom with other teens, it’s out of respect for the adults that surround me and also because it's a learning space so a lot of my language is going to contain what I am learning about and is going to have a formal tone.

  Tone for me is a big part of language. Tone is a language of it’s own because it expresses the way I feel  toward you even if it’s just a mutual tone. Anger,sadness,happiness, and interest, changing it depending on the situation and the person I am dealing with . The tone of someone’s voice can let you know how they feel in that moment and where their mind might be. In language you say a lot but like mom says “ it not what you say it’s how you say it”

“Hey sweetie” my mom says, shuffling the papers on her lap.

“Hey mom” I say walking in the door placing my bookbag on the floor.

“How was your day?”

“ It was great actually. My friends and I were laughing and joking. Throwing shots and bidding on one another it was great.” I say sitting in the chair.

“ That’s great to hear but don’t sit in the chair, you have to clean your room.”

“I will.” I say upsetly

“ Get up out the chair and clean the room now. No if’s , no but’s. “ my mom says looking directly at. me”

“Okay... Can you give me one second? I just wanted you to tell you about my day. Nevermind. “ I walk out the room.

“Watch your tone with me , clean your room, matter of fact you can clean the basement too. Enjoy yourself.” my mom calls out.

 Even though it’s a conversation of  my mom and I bickering, it changes mood and tone. Language becomes more intense and my word usage changes. I don’t know why this happens, it just does. If I had to take a wild guess though it’s because of what I learned from my parents when I was young. If they crossed their arms, raised their voice. To me, I would say, I am just repeating the tones of my parents. The language that they have and made for their own selves. Than I just add my own touch onto their words to make them my own. Making your language fit to who you are is important. You change the way you say words and definitions of them based on knowledge and experience. Even though we repeat the tone and language from our parents and copy some from our peers, it’s  our language. We constantly change it to fit who we  are ,from saying “ that jawn” to “that thing” or to saying the name of the actual object are the choices we make to form bits and pieces of who we are.

Our language changes when we change. When there is a change ,we shift our words to  what feels more comfortable with our surrounding we try to fit in. In all of this shifting , there is a language we prefer the most. A language that makes us feel more like us, that compliments our identity. My language with my best friends feels more real to me because I am in my comfort zone. I don’t have to shift for anyone even though all the language I use is real. Something about being with my friends make it more so. Most likely because I would probably speak that way a lot if it was an option. Every language is real. There are many differences and changes in the way we speak but it’s how we survive and connect in the world. From tone, to syllables, to accent, its language. There is no right or wrong language because the diversity is what makes language so beautiful.

My language changes a lot when I’m at home and when I’m not at home. At home I can understand what my parents are saying, and I can communicate back to them in the same language.

“Can you come here and help me?” my mom would say in fujianese.

“Okay” I would say back.

When I communicate with my parents I would respond back to them in either fujianese or english.

“Addison, come here and take out the trash.” my dad would say in fujianese.

“Okay.” I would say back in fujianese.

When I go to my grandparents place they would always speak in fujianese, they would never understand me if I spoke english. So when I want to say something I would try to explain it to my mom and then she’ll say it to them or sometime I can respond back to them.

“You have to learn how to speak fujianese because when you go to China you want to learn how to speak with other people there.” My grandparents would say in fujianese.

“ I know.” I would respond back in fujianese.

“Do you? Do you know?” They would ask me in fujianese.

“yes.” I would say back.

Speaking my own language is really difficult for me because I can’t say words that my parents would be able to say. For example, if they say something to me in fujianese, the only way I could respond is in english.

“Call dad and tell him to buy food vegetable for dinner cause we need it.” My mom would say in fujianese.

“Okay” I would respond back.

On the phone with my dad.

“Hello, dad? Mom said go buy some vegetable home.” I would say in fujianese, but in a weird way.

“What? Put mom on the phone.” My dad said in fujianese.

Speaking my language is hard for me because I never actually got a bunch of experience in speaking it because since I was born in Philadelphia, I was introduced toEnglish more than chinese (fujianese). My family would say to me that I’m not asian because I do things that asian people would do. For example, I can’t use chopsticks or speak their language. When any of my family members say to me ever I would feel

Now going to my school/ out of school language. My friends would say I sound black because my voice is low and I dress black. People would say I curse a lot. So I tend to curse more outside than at in my home.

“Bro, can you help me with this?” My friend would say.

“Nah, I’ll help you later because I have to do my s**t” I would say back.

Speaking in school really brings out my english language because at home I only speak english to my brother. So at school I feel more free in speaking english, instead of struggling at home trying to speak fujianese. I noticed that my language can change drastically, once I step outside of my household.

“Yo bro you down to chill today?” I would say to my friend.

“Yeah I’m down bro, just give me the time” My friend said back.

“I gotchu ya.” As I respond back.

When me and my friends were walking down at South Street, these group of teens called use racial names. But once me and my friends confronted them, they apologized because they thought we wouldn’t understand a thing they said, but they were wrong.

“Look at these chinks, go back to China.” As one of the tennager yelled, smiling at his friends after he said that.

“What the f**k did you say?! Just because we asian, means that we don’t understand a thing you say? You really think that you’re cool for saying that? If you think that is, maybe you should find something better to do with your life. Now say something f***ing stupid again and watch adjust your face!” As my friend snapped at the straighter.  

Trying to hold him back before things go bad.

“Okay dude, I’m sorry.” As they said

“Just f***ing leave, before he really f**** you up!” As I shouted

That day I noticed some people can be racist to you, no matter how you look because we was called out by random people just on how we look like.   

It was at summer camp, we were sitting on the Rainbow Treebench. I stopped staring at the other people near our cabins and looked over my shoulder. “You know, I got something to say to you.”

“Really? What’s that?”

“Well, you know me and I know you quite well,”

“Uh huh.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve never met someone like you and probably never will again. I cherish this friendship of ours and I’ve been looking for a best friend. I offer the title to you, do you accept?”

Those were the words I used at 11:43 pm one July night this past summer. I spoke with fear, uncertainty, and emotion. All three of which, are characteristics I rarely exhibit in public. Now I won’t tell you the end of the story, as I have a very private personality and don’t like to share those types of details. The main point, I should point out, is that most people know me to speak with confidence and with authority, as well as trying be non emotional as possible. I know that I speak very differently in different situations but why? I think it’s my past that holds the secrets.

You see we all speak a different language, whether it be Pig Latin, German, or one of the other 6000 plus languages spoken. There is however another thing that sets us apart, out tone and manner in which we speak, for each person they have their own very unique past. Although they may choose not to reveal it, it comes out in the words they speak. Some may speak in a very personal manner or others in a distant and monotone way as I prefer. You see, as Richard Rodriguez writes about his childhood, “Outside the house was public society, inside was private.” We all have our boundaries, whether it be our school, home, or friends. For each of those situations, we all speak differently, a different coding or programming for the different places and people in our lives. See our parents may try to rear us in a manner that is proper to them so they may request that their son or daughter speak politely and so as sons and daughters we do. When we are around friends however, they may not care or have the same values as our parents and that allows us to talk however we feel.

When you meet a new person, some may opt to say nothing and give a polite nod of the head as I do, others may choose to greet them with a nice hello and a handshake like the rest of my family. This is all is dependent on our background and upbringing, as well as where we come from geographically. As James Baldwin wrote, “A Frenchman living in Paris speaks a subtly and crucially different language from that of the man living in Marseilles; neither sounds very much like a man living in Quebec;” I speak English and even though at least 220 millions others do as well, each of us has a distinct "Speak". Our “Speaks” can set us apart from others by the words we use, tone, pronunciation and so on, giving ourselves our own method uniqueness.

At school and in most any place I speak as Richard Rodriguez describes about his school memories, I speak, “Directed towards a general audience, words meaningfully said and clearly spoken.” I tend to also be more general with my sentences, making sure to include as much details of my audience as possible. By doing so I can create an authoritative and inclusive setting. I also tend to bring in very big words to portray how knowledgeable I am. A great example was my daily conversations with my old history teacher.

“How are you doing today Chuckie?”

“I am doing alright, a bit exhausted and exasperated about members for a group project I am doing.”

I need not to go further as the key word is “exasperated.” I am pretty sure that most kids would use the word “annoyed” because that is the word they know for this type of situation. I, on the other hand happen to know the definition which I will refrain from stating as not to bore you. Before I continue, even now I write in a "Speak" that is completely different than my others. I have a writing "Speak", as well as my general and personal "Speak". My writing "Speak" is such that only when I write can I say what I want to and not trip myself up while thinking on the fly compared to speaking what I want and saying the possible way. However, my favorite and most reserved "Speak", is my personal tone, only revealed to my closest confidants. I never use it in a public situation, and if I do it is all by accident.

My personal “Speak” is filled with a oodles of emotion, dancing from happiness to query in a single sentence, then dodging fear and landing on uncertainty in the next. It decloaks my hidden side from those who are not worthy of reading the book about my past. See, some event happened in my past, and it showed me how susceptible I was to ridicule shutting me off from my old way of speaking. I made a complete turn with the way I began to speak to people in public whom I didn’t know well, and only when people have gained my trust do I feel comfortable speaking my personal “Speak.”

“Guys what do you want to do this weekend?

“We should like definitely go to the mall.” I exclaimed. “You talk so white,” my friends Naby and Bryan replied.

Whenever my friends tell me I talk white I think to myself, how can someone talk white? Is there a problem with the way I talk?  What am I saying that is different from what others are saying? Why should it matter if I talk white, black, pink or purple? What does it have to do with anything?  Personally, I don’t see how I talk white, I don’t have a problem with the way I talk so why should anyone else? I think I talk proper because that’s how I was brought up.

This talking white thing bothers me because I just want to know what people mean when they say I talk white. When I make new friends I tend to ask them if I talk white to see what they will say. Some say yes and others say no.  “Do I talk white?” I may ask. “Yeah you do” “Do I talk white?” they say, mocking me. They usually laugh and make jokes and continue to mock me. I never knew one’s voice or choice of words could sound so funny, I think to myself. I don’t understand where this talking white thing comes from. What’s the big deal?

I have to believe that perhaps my upbringing contributes to my language development.  I have been raised for the most part in the Greater Northeast section of Philadelphia and live in quite and ethnically diverse neighborhood. I have attended private schools that were predominately African American and transitioned to public schools whose make-up has been predominately White. I have made and maintained friends of all nationalities and religious backgrounds. Due in part to these things I have mentioned, I have to wonder if I’ve picked up a specific way of speaking from attempting to create my own language when interacting with the multitude of friends that I have. I imagine even speech can be influenced because of the people you’ve been around your whole life.

While I do consider upbringing as an influence on how I talk, I cannot believe that this is the only or major factor simply because many of my family members comment on this as well.  “There’s the accent,” they say or “you guys,” they tease.  Often times I find myself limiting conversations to one or two words just so I won’t have to hear whatever remarks they are waiting to give about how I talk.  Although I am no longer bothered when this happens, I recall times that it totally upset me, because I wasn’t speaking any differently than anyone else I knew. I never mentioned any of these feelings to my family; however, as I got older it seemed as if they slowly stopped criticizing me about the way I talk.

Despite the fact that my family has eased up on the speech comments, it is something that I continue to deal with in school among my peers and when I’m hanging out with certain groups of friends.  For instance when I am with my African American friends I may say, “hey guys do yous want to go to the park?” and immediately they reply with;  “Imani, why do you say yous, that’s how white people talk.” While I know I should probably be honest and tell them how I feel, I’ve always felt like they would judge me about taking it to heart.  As such, I decided that it’d be best when with them to speak in a way that they could best identify. Yet, code switching in this way reminds me of Maxine Hong Kingston’s assertion that; “ a ready tongue is evil.”   Trying to speak in a way that is not natural for sometimes results in me saying things that are inappropriate and uncomfortable.

My best friend Tiffany  is White and when I’m with her I tell her how I feel about the “ I talk white comments” and I tell her how I never felt so insecure about something so little before. It was to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable talking or speaking around certain people. She’s has the ability to calm me down and tell me that there’s no problem with the way I talk. She reassures me that I don’t have to change something so unique for people that have no idea what they are talking about. Tiffany always reminds me how proper I talk and how I shouldn’t be insecure about that because I have manners and am a very courteous person.

Having a friend who understands my perspective is really empowering.  It helps me cope with being mocked and criticized.  It also helps because she is a listening ear and that allows me a chance to get it off my chest. Tiffany has helped me realize that I need to take a stand.  Everyone does things differently and we are all individuals with our own unique styles.  Richard Rodriguez  in his text “Hunger of Memory” indicates; “people involve a language in order to describe and thus control their circumstances.” this quote reminds me that we all have a specific way in which we use language and to feel empowered we have to use language to navigate our destiny. No one should be judged or criticized by how they speak.

“It goes without saying, then, that language is also a political instrument, means, and proof of power. It is the most vivid and crucial key to identify,” James Baldwin. I strongly agree with Mr. Baldwin because one's language identifies who they are. Regardless of how I speak, I have a voice which is my instrument and I should be able to speak however I want without my friends, family or whomever criticizing and teasing me. I feel comfortable with my language and how I speak, I shouldn’t be ashamed of something that is mine. How I speak is powerful and unique!  

“Arielle you speak too fast.”

I panted lightly having laughed for about forty-five seconds at a joke between me and my sister. I held onto the seat belt, bracing myself for what I was about to hear.

“Slow down! I remember you used to speak very slowly and clearly, I miss that.”

I didn’t want to be mad because my grandmother was only telling me this because she loved me, but I couldn’t escape the fact that she soiled a perfectly good joke.

“I will,” I nodded.

Nyla looked at me. I looked at Nyla. Quite frankly, neither of us really cared about the critique given because our cheeks were too rosy to take our minds off of bursting out laughing. I was silent for the rest of the ride home, because an unmovable lump had grown in my throat. This was not a rare series of events though. My grandmother kept a close eye on us since we’re her only grandchildren and she had so many insecurities about how we grew up, I guess because we’re the first American children she ever had part in raising. Speech is one thing that she payed a lot of attention to because we were city bred, raised around people who had a constant relaxed dialect. It bothered her when she heard someone mashing words together or speaking quickly. Of course, through the eyes of a child I took it was an insult to my handle on the English language.

She wasn’t the only one who noticed the change way I spoke. The older people at my church would always remind me of the me they ‘remember’, the me they miss. I remember that me fondly, the one who went to school with white socks and came home with brown ones; the one whose pigtails were always loose at the ends and who smiled cheekily through missing front teeth. The one who wrote a letter and displayed it in front of the whole church.

The same people would always remind me how when I was younger I would pronounce my words very clearly, but I don’t anymore. I just laugh at their remarks. I always laugh.

I’ve only grown about two feet since I was in first grade, therefore it’s always completely understandable to be quickly reminded of my younger self and the way I once behaved. Little do they know I’ve changed so much. Little do they know that since the letter I moved out of the small two-bedroom apartment I and had started public school and morphed into an inner-city kid who knew a lot more slang since my Christian school days. I’m sure they don’t even realize that I won two spelling bees, gained a plethora of new words and phrases and opinions, and had even seen the seven hardest years of her life.

I was always being given a mirror to compare myself with the girl looking back at me, always told how a young me was a better and how ‘I grew up too fast’, even if it wasn’t always directly. My sarcasm baffles my aunts and uncles who last saw me in diapers and I surprise them when I talk about the media or politics. I outgrew the same hand-me-downs from my older sister the same way I outgrew my old tongue. I was once an optimistic brat who always had too much to say with words spilling over the brim but was also too smart for her own good. It was a short time ago that I realized that my language was a party trick, the one thing people noticed about me because it was always unpredictable. I think that’s what adults love about kids, seeing what kind of madness they’re going to crank out of their juvenile brains before they even realize what they’re doing. I walked head-first into a lot of those situations when I was young, clumsily stumbling into my own language that would finally reach its final stage of evolution. Unfortunately, it was a language that people could no longer recognize. I was older, mindful and had a lot to say. It was hard for people to identify the me I had become.

Ghandi once said: “Language is an exact reflection of the character and growth of its speakers.” I consider speech as a significant sign of growth because it is one of how much it changes. Environment, experiences, and even people are large contributors to the elements of one’s language, and just as children grow, so does one’s tongue.