No one was home. I think my parents are out. The house is dark and empty. I want to go to my room onto my bed. Did someone say something? Oh no, you are back. Why? I should be happy and full of joy coming back home after hanging with friends. But all I felt was the sorrow and doubts. I should be coming home full of memorable events, but I am coming home full of grieve.

I just feel like my friends are not really friends. Yes I hang out with them, yes I laugh along with them, yes I have memories of them. But do they really feel the same for me? Do they really give me as much love as I give to them? Every day I come to school, I said hi but no hi in return. Only stone cold stares or a glance from their eyes. They just walk away from me or continue on with their conversation. Forgetting I was even there. Every time we hang out I am just in the back, listing to my friends just talking with each other behind my back. When I talk, my words get lost in theirs. My friends just slowly forget I was even there. You said that maybe they are all fake and they never really love me.

The girl? Well this girl. She in our friend group. Well I. I like her. I told her. I remember vividly that day when I told, she said let's just keep it as friends. But for these last few days, I’ve seen her sitting with one of my "friends". I was full of jealousy with my sorrow. Perhaps I was mistaken? Perhaps it was true that she like him more. Dam you are making me have the feeling of doubt again.

What is the meaning of life anymore? I feel lost in this world of hopelessness and loneliness. All I want is someone to sit down and talk to me, know that I am there and acknowledging me. At the very minimum, willing to listen to me. I do not have anyone to turn to and talk to. Everyone I once love is fading away. Sometimes I want to scream out loud. I just want someone to listen to me, talk to me, cry with me. Only you can hear me.

Every day I go to bed, I been having sleepless nights. Having deep thoughts like what the purpose of life? Where do I go? What the next step of life? I just feel directionless and lost in life. Each coming day I just feel scared and alone. I starting to lose patience feeling the frustration and angery with everyone. Because you taking control over me.

I have just been ignoring you all these years. No one will believe me, listen to me, that you are following me. Taunting me. Everywhere I go, you are always there. I want to end you, breaking free from you with a stab to the heart. But I have always been afraid to face you. You have been haunting me for so many years. Twice I face you with a knife, but I back down like a coward.

You know what? Today is the day. Come on where is it. There it is. The knife. I'm not afraid! IM NOT AFRAID

AAAAAAHHHHHH

I did it. I kill you. There the blood on the floor. My eyes are feeling heavy. This hurts a lot. Everything so blurry. But at least I kill you. You were my own thoughts, yes you made me suffer all these years, you were in my head. Talking over me. Bring me down. At least now, the world is a better place without me and you. At least now I am in a better place. I ended my suffering from the pain of you gave me. Because you were my thoughts inside my head.

How much you need?  Yeah, I got you. It’s gonna be 10 a gram. What you got that for? What are you doing?  Stop playin, put that away. Ard, you can stop playing around with the gun now. What are you talking about? You’re really gonna rob me for like three grams? We grew up together! What the fuck? FINE FINE! Take it, just put the gun down. Yo get that gun out of my face!  What else do you want from me? I don’t have anything else. No weed. No pills. No money.

What’s the problem? You already have everything. Oh you’re mad about your cousin. Did I kill him? Yeah I killed him, so what?  You don’t even know what happened, do you? I get a phone call from him asking for a QP. I knew something was up because he never buys that much. But I still wanted that money, so I tried to sell it. He reached for a gun. I grabbed it and aimed at his neck. I don’t know if he was gonna rob me or kill me. But, I wasn’t gonna find out. My instincts kicked him and he’s dead. You finna kill me over it? I was defending my life. Kill me then. Pull the trigger then.. Or don’t. LOOK… AT ME. I’ve been trappin the past five years and I’m still in the same place. Aint shit get better. And it aint getting better.  I aint never gonna be nothin more than a drug dealer..

Do you really think I’m happy? Look at me when I’m talking to you! I got nothin to live for anymore. You kill me now I can get out of this cold world. If you don’t, I’ll just stay unhappy. I DONT CARE. So make a decision. But we both know you won’t kill me. You’re not man enough for it. You were never enough. You were always MY sidekick. I’m more important than you’ll ever be. If you killed me, you’d get killed. They LOVE me on these streets. If I die, they’re gonna come out make your whole family die. They’ll avenge my death. So what’s it gonna be?

HURRY UP! I don’t got the time for this. You can’t kill me... Without me you’re nothing. YOU.. NEED ME…  When you got arrested, who bailed you out? When you got kicked out, who’s apartment did you stay at? You won't last out here without me. You’re too much of a fuck up. Next time you need help, where you gonna go? You’re gonna come to me because you know I got you.  If I’m not around who’ll be there for you? Look I know you must feel some type of way because Michael is dead. But, it was him or me. What did you want me to do? Just sit there and let him decide my fate? I had a daughter I needed get home to. I’m sorry, but I wasn’t dying at the hands of him. Who would’ve taken care of Eden if I died? Her mom don’t do nothing. I’m all that girl had. THEY TOOK MY DAUGHTER AWAY FROM ME! I can’t live anymore, just kill me already.

Could I ask you a question? Was it true? Are the rumors I have been hearing true? I just need you to be honest with me my love.

Oh, so it is true? Why? How could you do this? After all I have done for you, you couldn’t stay away from him?

What do you mean I never showed you love? I gave you my heart and soul! And you’re just going to throw that away!? I love you and you can’t see that? I tell you everyday that you’re the love of my life and that you’re beautiful just as the day I met you.

How does he show his love? He hasn’t supported you and this family. He doesn’t pay the bills. He doesn’t cook dinner. He doesn’t work overtime at the job he hates. But yeah sure Jasmine, He loves you more than me.

When did you start seeing him, how long ago did you guys start hooking up? FIVE MONTHS! Are you kidding me? SO you’re just going to throw 7 years of our marriage DOWN THE DRAIN!? Is that why you had to invite him to our kids 6th birthday? You’re INSANE, how come I have never seen this before…

Why is it that everyone has chosen him over me, my whole life. Mom and dad gave him a car on his 16th birthday while I still took the bus. The girls would always approach me and ask me about him! He always excelled in school. Always on honor roll, and he would be the one on the football team to carry the team into championships.

But Liam, he’s my brother… how could he… he always said that he would take care of me when I needed it. I- I am in disbelief- my own brother.

I remember when my dog passed away, she was so old. But Liam comforted me, and the next day he showed up with a puppy. He said “I know no other dog can replace Macy, but here’s Roxie. I was in the animal shelter and I knew you would love her.” That was the most sentimental thing anyone ever did for me.

And we would go to parties and he would introduce me to his friends. He BROUGHT ME TO YOU! I knew it was too good to be true, I KNew it. I am such an idiot.. But my blood doesn’t even love me, so that’s down the drain.

But I thought you were different. I thought you truly loved me deep down in your heart-

DON’T GIVE ME THAT BS! I can’t even look at you right now. What are we supposed to do about Jason, huh? Did you even think about him? He’s only SIX YEARS OLD, he can’t comprehend what his mom ever did. He’s going to be confused as to why his mommy and dad-

*whispers*

what? What do you mean?

Jason ISN’T MY SON? WHAT DO YOU MEAN!

Jasmine, how is that even possible?

“It was just one night” my ass. When was this night? ARE YOU KIDDING ME JASMINE? THE DAY BEFORE OUR WEDDING!

Oh so because you had cold feet that means you slEEP WITH LIAM?!  

I was there when you gave birth to him and I was there for you the whole time, and you never thought to tell me this?

Of course I would find out sooner or later! I am not a complete IDIOT.

I NEED AN EXPLAINA-

Don’t walk away from me! Jasmine! No! Wait, don’t leave plea-

*on the verge of tears and a break down*

I don’t understand what I did. Why did this have to happen to me. The universe hates me, HATES ME. I hate me…

I could’ve been better. If I didn’t put all my love into this marriage so quickly, and realized that this was too good to be true, maybe I wouldn’t be here right now, talking to myself alone in my living room.

She left me. She left me alone in the house I built for our beautiful family. How could she leave me? If anything I have the right to leave, not my skank wife.

What’s even the point of living and breathing anymore. Everything good in my life has just vanished.

Monologue Reading-