Canavan

It’s a boy! I’m gonna be the best dad ever, I love children, I and my girlfriend have been trying to have a kid for three years now. This is the closest we’ve ever gotten. After all the failed attempts and pregnancy tests, it’s finally going to happen. My life wasn’t always as happy and cheerful though,  I grew up in Philadelphia to a single mother who had three kids that she busted her ass every day to support, we didn’t get to go to DisneyWorld or get to go to school with the new Jordans and Nikes, but we got through. My father’s absence forced me to be the man of the house. Even though my mom owned everything, someone had to make sure she was taken care of since obviously that deadbeat you call a father wasn’t capable enough to step up and be a real man.

I’m going to be a dad now, and I swear to God, I won’t ever be like my father. I got through college without him, learned how to drive without him, went to prom without him, got my first job without him, I did all of this without him, and I’ll surely get through this pregnancy without him.My child will never worry about when his father will come back or if they will go to bed hungry, or if it was their fault for me walking out.

Everything was starting to look up for me until I get the news that shook up my entire world. Our unborn child was going to be born with Canavan Disease, but how? I feel so helpless and weak, I should be able to protect my child and I can’t even do that! Canavan, It’s an extremely rare disease, that damages the ability of nerve cells in the brain to send and receive messages. As far as I know, nobody in either of our family’s has a history of this disease. The doctor says that he is expected to live only through his childhood. All the things that I was supposed to accomplish with my child, won’t be happening. He won’t even have a chance to go prom, shave, or date a girl, he’s getting cheated out of all of these things. I know for a fact that all the school kids won’t go easy on him either, kids are extremely cruel, and he’ll be ridiculed, I don’t know how either of us will be able to take it. I don’t know what to do, my world feels like it’s collapsing and there’s no way to stop the inevitable destruction, I can only watch.

But maybe this whole predicament isn’t the end of the world, God does everything for a reason, so there must be a reason for this happening. It’s been my dream to have a child of my own and start my family, and now that I’m getting the chance I’m having doubts? Seriously? I’m finally going to be able to have a child, I’m not gonna give up on this child just because of some disability, I’m not like my dad was and never will be. I’ll make all the short years with my child the best he’s ever had. Some tasks and activities might take more effort and time, but it’ll be worth it in the end. I love my unborn child unconditionally and always will. I hope that he knows daddy will never walk out or give up on him, I hope that he knows I’ll be there through all my hardships and never put my stress on top of his. Thanks, Dad, for nothing. I’ll always do everything in my power not to be like you.

A slap on my chest woke me. I heard my father quietly telling me to wake up. I didn’t protest because I knew today was the day. I hurried out of bed and got dress. When dad lit the candle, I could see the bamboo suitcase filled with clothes already packed for me. He rushed me downstairs and went into the kitchen to give me two banh mi before walking me to the bus station. I looked up, the sky was still dark, I was still able to see the stars. I looked around me. There were no carts, no doors opened, no one outside. It was still early. I didn’t want to leave. Vietnam, it was the only place I ever knew.

As the bus came closer into view, I could feel myself shake. If I left, I would leave my prized possessions, my childhood friends, my sense of comfort, and most importantly, my family. The ones who’ve kept me safe all these years. The ones that have helped me get past the Vietnam war. Then what would be left of me? I’m nothing without my friends, my neighborhood, my family.

The bus came and I boarded it. I rushed to the window seat and looked out the window. Through the headlights of the bus, I could make out my dad’s face in the dark. I still remember his blood-shot eyes, the sadness in his eyes. He didn’t dare look up. I wanted to scream, to run back into his arms, to cry, but I knew none of that was useful. It was my job to lead the path for my siblings, to prove my neighbors wrong, to make it to the Land of Opportunity.

I’m telling you this now, son, because I want you to understand the struggle I went through to have a better life. It is important that you take every opportunity given to you because many kids in other parts of the world don’t have such opportunities. You might think I talk too much and everything I’m telling you is useless and full of crap but it’s not. When we go back to Vietnam this summer, you’ll understand all of it. There are kids who are homeless and out begging for money. There are old women working 14 hours a day just to earn a little money. I left Vietnam because living under communist rule is never going to be a good thing. When we visit your aunt, she can tell you all about it and you can deem if my lectures and teachings were useful.

Days into our trip in Vietnam and I could already see the disturbance in my son’s eyes. Unlike America, there were no crossing lights, there were stray dogs, street food that weren’t the cleanest, and the most disturbing for him, I believe, was the amount of roaches and rats running around. He seemed to have changed. No blatant disrespect, he was less picky with food, more grateful for family, and most importantly, he began saving his hard-earned money.  I’m glad now that I told him about my past. I wanted to leave it in the past but I guess everything worked out for the better.

Failure was never an option, and it never will be, that is something that my parents have taught me from such a young age. I was lectured daily about any mistake that I made, I was always the best at school, no-one was smarter than me, I was the best in all my classes, I’m not being arrogant, no, its really true, I’m just better than most people, my intellect exceeds those of my peers. This is something that I will always fall back on when anything gets difficult, I can always count on my brain to get me out of whatever situation I was in. That is until I got this letter. I opened it so rapidly thinking ‘another success’ just like all the other successes that so frequently occurred in my life. Now here I am in my living room, standing with this letter of denial to my dream school, surrounded by this dreadful feeling, surrounded by failure. What is happening? I can’t believe it, I failed, I could feel the paper crumbling under my hand. Tears of shame and failure now roll down my cheeks so rapidly, rolling down a face that embodied disappointment. What am I going to do? The application deadline already passed, I need another school, I need to find something quick! This is all my counselor's fault, she probably forgot to send the letter of recommendation, I hate her so much! All she does is sit in that office all day and talk to the kids with no future! I have a future, why can’t she help me succeed, why ?!! Y’know maybe it wasn’t her, I think it was my goddamn Chem teacher, if she had given me an A first quarter freshman year, my GPA would be higher, I hate her so much, they all want to see me fail just because they’re failing at life. It wasn’t her, she didn’t cause this, it was my family, they taught me failure is never an option but they couldn’t stand to see me winning they couldn’t embrace the idea that I am better and will always be better than them, always sending me to do some damn chores, how are chores going to help me in life? Am I growing up to becoming a goddamn dishwasher? No, it’s none of their faults, they have no effect on what occurs at the end of the day, at the end of the day it's me who decides what happens in my life. They didn’t do this to me, I did it to myself, I am the reason why I can’t go to my dream school, I’m the one who decided to apply to only one school, I’m the one who’s too arrogant, too dim-witted to see that he was only negatively affecting himself, I failed myself, no-one else. What am I going to do? What will my friends think of me, not getting into the top school? what will parents say? How will they react, how am I going to explain to them that I… failed, how am I going to tell them that this was my only choice, what will I do? Y’know, I don’t even care anymore, whatever happens, happens, all I can do is wait to apply to community college, I guess I have to go there for some time before I can do anything, I need to learn that not everything is about me, I need to make a difference in myself before I can truly move on, so from now on I’ll be humble. I need to clean this up before the dimwits arrive.

Man I can’t believe Nyla was doing that with Rahmir. Shaking my head. I would never be caught dead doing that shit. I don’t have to ever worry about that I’m too good for the life half these girls living. I cringe at the thought of her yo (says this while laughing). Even putting me and her in the same category is a crime. I’m on a different level in life periodt. And it confuses me on how she keeps trying to talk to me in the lunch line like we’re friends or like she deserve a conversation with me. Like girl get out my face with your hair store lipgloss….this MAC on my lips!” (Said while applying lipgloss)

{Phone buzzes}

Oh snap it’s Jasmine.{Reads message and locks phone} Damn.

Stephanie of all people. I wonder why she did that. But, I don’t know. I just would have never guessed. Maybe I should talk to her.

Should I tell her that I can relate more than she thinks?

I wanted to move on from it, but I don’t want people misunderstanding Stephanie.

Nah. I’ve never talked to her before so why start now? Who knows if I’ll be able to prevent it from happening again.

Maybe I should talk to her.

{The phone rings, she answers}

Hey best. I need ya help. This girl in my class tried to kill herself. I know it’s none of my business but I was wondering if I should talk to her, or should I just leave it alone.

I’m second guessing talking to her about it because me and my friends don’t talk to her like that.

My friends are not messing up my judgment. I know I’ve changed since middle school. But you know I was never able to be part of this crowd in middle school, I’m trying to ya know reinvent myself.

But, I’m scared that it could be stopping me from helping someone.

And my friends don’t know everything about me. Like the reason I take those pills, but I feel like if I tell them I don’t know if they’ll want to hang out with me. Some people see bipolar-depression as being crazy. I’m not crazy. I’m trying to seem as normal as can be.

Omg Stop!

{her bestfriend hangs up, she looks at her phone with her mouth open with shock}

I can’t believe he hung up. All because I don’t know if I should help some girl I barely know.

Who knows if she even wants help.

And I know even if I tell people they might see me differently. I’m trying to be as normal as can be but I’m still not me.

{She starts to breath hard, running her hands through her hair and looking around as if trapped}

I can’t let them know. I already dealt with everything that I needed to. I went through the process of court, therapy, tears, and heartbreak. (All said while panting)

I cant’ even deal with this myself sometimes how am I supposed to help her and prove to her it’ll be ok. I don’t know if it’ll be ok.

How do I tell girls I just met last year that my uncle raped me? How do I say that I was wishing I would die at the age of 10 and then trying to grant my own wish in 8th grade?

I can’t, I can’t go back to how I was. But, I can’t keep faking who I am.

{she looks in the mirror and breathes calmy. She ends up calming herself down}

My problems can help Stephanie though, and if I don’t help her she could end up like me. You know what forget about it, if they’re my friends then they won’t judge me they’ll embrace me and this won’t change the way they see me if this friendship is meant to be.

I’m tired of being aluminum faking to be gold.

Lemme try to find Stephanie’s number.

Of course, I know why I am here; because Ms.Garlengnal snitched on me. That’s why she will always be the janitor in this dirty school. Anyways, it wasn’t my fault that freshmen were getting smart with me, that’s why I slammed him into the wall. You can suspend me, give me detention I don’t care.

It all started when this scrawny looking kid with wiry red hair, an orange striped shirt, khaki long pants, church shoes, and huge brown-framed glasses was sitting against the lockers reading his book. And I recalled he is in my math class and was one of those “I know kids”. You know, the kids who know all the answers to every question, usually waving their hands around, yelling “oooh oooh, I know, I know”, the one that always does their homework. And I remembered that I didn’t do my homework for that class (like always) but if I didn’t do this homework I was going to have to repeat junior year and I’m just trying to get the f*** out of here, ASAP. So I walked up to him with my big black hoodie and my scrunched up, glaring, mad face and told him to give me his homework or else. He looked up at me and responded with or else what. This freshman had some mouth, I said or else I will break your almond looking head and make you regret your entire existence. He stood up, looked me straight in the eye and said, “I’d like to see you try”. My spread out fingers soon stuck together, feeling my anger inside my chest transform into energy that is coming into hands. Moments later the punk a** kid was lying on the ground crying his eyes out. That is when I saw Ms.Garlenal leave her mop and rush towards the principal’s office.

Yo, whats going on? You in trouble or something, you called my phone like 20 times, I was in school. Yeah, I'm free to talk. Wait, didn’t you just break up with Jason like two days ago? How you moving on that fast? Yes, I’m listening you said he’s tall and light skin and wears suits. I don’t know what boy wears suits, but okay continue.

What do you mean he’s older like 17 or in college? He’s your who? So, you're being taken advantage of by your teacher? (long pause)

YES! It is like that. Your teacher is not your boyfriend, y'all aren’t together and you can’t love someone you just met. Do you honestly think a person that’s 30 wants a 16 year old? Something's wrong with him. And you can’t be that— No, I'm not calling you stupid or crazy, it’s not hard to get involved with a handsome pedophile. I just wish you could make better decisions, when I said find a more mature guy to date, I didn’t mean an adult. There’s nothing funny about this; what it is, is a serious case. HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU (pause) or at least in the way you want him to.

Trust me that’s not a relationship that will take you far. I’m not trying to be your mother and nobodies tryna take your happiness away. I’m just tryna get you out of lala land; you're wonderful world of rainbows where men like little girls. He ought to lose his job! It’s that serious Selena. Besides the fact that it isn’t a real relationship, it’s not even legal. I’m trying my best to be patient with you, but you can’t sit here and tell me this is right. I was here for you in your last relationship, the ups and downs. I helped you respond to texts and helped you calm down when Jason did something stupid. I was here for it all, but I can assure you this relationship won’t be the same. I want nothing to do with it. I’m glad that you don’t need me. Okay whatever nothing, the least you could say is thanks for the adv—(click) Did she just hang up on me?

Truth hurts I guess. My intentions aren’t to be hard on her. It just got to me, how she finds “love” so quickly. In the span of her 3 loves I can’t even find one. She turns away all of the guys her age and turns to a teacher- a grown man. I find it sad. Sometimes my sympathy for her translates to anger because there’s so many ways she can change to become the person she wants to be. Or maybe it’s the person I want her to be? Is it my goal and not hers? Why am I even this stressed about a situation that doesn’t concern me and a person who doesn’t want my help? I think I wrap myself into other people’s problems and when they can’t see what I see I get frustrated. I don’t think I can help Selena. She doesn’t even see anything wrong with dating Mr. Bennet. How could she, when she views me as a mom and not her friend. There’s nothing I can do about that, you can’t change how people see you. I can’t make her understand and it frustrates me. I’m watching my friend go down a path, I know leads nowhere good. My advice to her goes in one ear and out the other. There’s nothing I can do. And the more I talk and advise the more she ignores me. She’s slowly drifting away. At least I’ve said my peace. I can’t save everyone.

How am I supposed to take on these mongrels if the sun won’t let up? I’m sick of always being weak. Everyone is trying to bring me down. Even mother nature isn’t on my side today.

Alright, if I can just get to their camping grounds. But what would I do then? I might as well just accept this fate. I mean, the rest of the village has. There’s nothing I can do to help save my village now. Yet, this force keeps nudging me on. Pulling me towards the depths of heroism and sucking me into a great pit of empathy. I feel remorse for those who have done wrong by me. All the villagers who told me I was useless. A joke, because I enjoyed reading instead of wrestling. Kari, the helpless bookworm. That is what they called me. So why? Why do I feel this empathy now? I could protest that it’s all because of you. You united us all.  Mama you left us too soon. I miss you and your chunky chili, packed with the richest of flavors from Papa's garden. You could taste the love. With every bite you felt warmth. I think it made us greedy because like your Chili,

I don't want to share my village. Our village is not for those whose lips haven’t tasted your Chili. For anyone who has, knows what goes into making that Chili. Appreciates the ones who have poured their hearts into it and would never think to ruin Papa’s vegetable patch. Those fools. They have come. Ransacked our homes and declared this Chili pot of a village their own. Do they even know your recipe? Do they hold within them the love that you so graciously bestowed upon our village through your Chili? I am convinced the town lost their hope when we lost you. That terrible day. We tried to hang on. I’m still trying. Once the mongrels came the pain was too much to fight with. You push me forward. I know you would want me to try. Even though I don’t have the arms to hold our hopes or the back to carry the village. I know one thing. You gave me your love. You never doubted me. You told me I was destined for greatness.

MAMA. I cry out to you now to let you know I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better son. You always told me to be kind and true to myself. I wish I was a better son. The books, I don’t know why but I’m drawn to them. Their stories capture me and make me forget the harsh reality. The days we went with no food. None of your Chili. The beatings unto the ones I loved, I bared witness. I was helpless then and I am helpless now. I tried to be brave like you told me but I can’t find it within me. I want to stand up for our people.

*LOOKS BACK

Tenowé, my home village. Papa, Minari and Hinetu, my sisters. Anar, my brother. Maybe I should just turn around, go back home and be ready for what comes next. I can’t stand the thought of these barbarians being in charge of all our land. The land we nurture and care for. They don’t deserve to come here and do this to us. We’ve lived in peace with them for all these years why now? It doesn’t matter. I won’t let them take it! It doesn’t matter if I have to fight the chief myself! I will make them leave.

*LOOKS AROUND

I’ve only walked to the river, but their camp is past the hills, I’m already tired.

*DROPS TO GROUND

What a disgrace I am! There’s no way I can face them alone, but the thought of them stepping all over us like this makes me sick. We are a peaceful people but they need to learn a thing or two if they think they can just raid our village and make us do their bidding. Fight for what is right. That is what you told me.

*GETS UP

And that is what I will do. No matter what gets in my way. I know you are with me. I know you gave me something more powerful than fists. You gave me a heart, you gave me love. And I will use my heart to get our village back! For you...Mama.