Mom, what is going on here? Wait none of my business what do you mean?  Why can’t I know anything? Why were you guys fighting the other day? Let me why?? Are you guys separating, are you guys getting divorced? This is affecting my life I have all the right to know what is going on. You know what I don’t care I am going to my room if you need anything mom you could ask someone else in this damn house, I am going to be busy.

So now mom you decide to come and talk to me hours later. If you have anything irrelevant to say I don’t want to hear. Wait what, mom you are lying this can’t be happening I knew it from the beginning. Mom, why are you guys separating. I don’t want this. I am so happy with my life now. I bragged to my friends about how perfect our family is. Now look, look at you guys are ruining. Is this is what you guys are going to do to me? No no, I am not gonna let this happen. Where is my father? Excuse me mother, I am going to go talk to him right now.  

No, dad, I don’t want to hear it “Listen to me, baby girl.” I want answers. I need to know why in detail. What the hell do you mean by the best? That is not an answer. Why do you guys always have to fight? I don’t want this. No, dad, I can’t accept this. This is going to ruin my life. How is it for the better? It’s really not. My ears are open I want the real answer, I’m gonna sit right here and just listen. Now tell me!! How could you ever do this to mom? Why would you ever cheat on her? You disgust me now dad. I can’t believe you hurt my mom. That’s it we are done.

I never imagined that this would happen to me. My family falling apart is just imaginable. Maybe if I look through some old pics it can make me laugh or smile. Aww, I was such cute baby. And we were such a happy family. Nevermind, I want to cry. I’m gonna go to sleep. At this point, the only thing that I’m wondering is what’s gonna happen to my life next.

What did you guys decide? Boarding school!! No, I can’t leave my friends here. Not just friends everything in general here. I am not going to leave this house. This is not for the best or for your own good. This is the worst. From the mistake, you guys made this doesn’t mean that I have to leave.

I don't give a damn anymore. Ughh, I have so much stress going it’s unbelievable. My crazy parents are really forcing me to go to that damn school. The first problem is a divorce and now the second problem is going to a Boarding school, I can’t wait for the third problem. The rest of my life is going to be miserable and I can’t wait for the misery. I really wish I wasn’t alive. I can’t handle all this. How is my mom going to stay alone? I don’t care about my dad anymore because it’s all his fault. You know what I hate this damn house I can’t wait till I disappear.

Mom’s home tonight is the night I tell her my pain. (Uh oh) she has company I cannot believe my eyes when he enters. How dare he smile in my face and pretend like he isn’t a monster? How am I supposed to talk to my mom now?  my night is going to be terrible I can feel it.

Hey baby girl, dad says to me. What do you want? just leave me alone!!! I say to him. You know I cannot do that he says. In that moment I feel him taking blows at me and I just lay there silently crying. I think to myself this is so awful how he can take advantage of me like that.  I don’t know how much more I can handle. I hate this man he is a monster.

When she came home, I said Mom!! I’m so glad you're home we need to talk. Before she speaks to me I see this monster once again. Why is he back in my home? I notice my mom is hiding her finger and she is silent. Mom why are you hiding your ring finger. She says to me I’m getting married your father proposed. I burst out you can’t marry him no no !!!!!!!. Why would she say yes, now the abuse will never stop.Mom says Lauren why are you being so dramatic? I say to her it does not matter anymore mom. I knew he would win. Everyday I wake up and see a new bruise on my body. I cover them up so nobody can ask questions . Often times I wonder if I am really strong enough to put up with this abuse.

I´ll never forget the night when he first abused me. It was on a friday night when my father lost his job. He came inside the house and immediately started drinking. It was one bottle after another. Soon I realized he was drunk and it was not safe to be around him. I ran to my room and minutes later he entered my room and locked the door behind him.I was scared so I remained quiet while he inched closer and closer to me.  

When he was directly in front of me, he slapped me across the face  so hard there was a red mark afterwards. Then I yelled stop, desperately hoping that he would leave me alone. Unfortunately, I was wrong instead he just kept beating me until he wasn't. I have been dealing with abuse for 15 years.

Finally, I realized he enjoyed beating me. I started to think I was his personal punching bag.  In reality looking at my bruises made me believe it. What kind of father was ok with beating his child out of anger. I gave up trying to put a stop to my pain. After a while I hoped my mother would notice my pain and help me…..

Now I’ve gotten away from all of them. My room is the only place I feel safe. I cannot believe her. I should've known she wouldn’t believe me. For several years,

Chayla, I am sick and tired of you. Why won't you  just leave me alone. I am really comfortable about the way I look because that's how God created me, so I don't have anything to say about it. You are always judging  me about how I look. Like what the hell? What is your problem?  Dang like omg “You black as sh*t” yup, that’s what you always call me. I feel like is there any blacks kids that you can mess with beside me.  I feel so angry to myself, like I feel like to explode right this second. I need to get the hell away from you.

Ugh, I can't believe I exploded like that, but she crossed the line. My mom told me  not to let them get above me because they are just looking for problems or they just wanted to make me stop doing my work. But this is getting difficult and it cant over. I can't take it anymore because this hatred is annoying. Nothing is more annoying than this. Even if am the darkest person the world, it doesn't have to do nothing about you.  Wait! let me call you that, how is you going to feel? Who the hell do you think you are! Saying all these racist stuff to, to yourself! Because not to me, so you better go find your mate outside. You irk my soul every single day. Her stupid self going to come in class talking about other racist and stuff and she know that I am always freaking mad about it.

The worst part is… she saw how I felt . She knows that I really wanted to become a light skinned girl. I was thinking so bad about what to do to her but i feel like I should just ignore and focus on my work, and become successful.. Come on focus! Stop thinking, I try but is hard for me to stop thinking about all the terrible stuff. But like why am I focusing myself to some stupid people who don't even know nothing or think about their future life because if i keep  thinking about doing terrible things in my life this is going to ruin my future.  

You is the worst person that I ever met in my life. I complained to my teacher about you but guess what they don't care about what the haters be saying. I get your back I  will let the office know about it. My mother always tell me stories about people like that. At first i thought she was just kidding. Later her speech became true, like it happened in real life. Why am I thinking about killing myself because of people talk  about me? I don't care about the other students.

Hey mom. Why did I get home so late? I was out. Where? I was at shoprite and got some apples, doritos, and cheetos. My receipt? I don’t have one.

Yes mom, I did steal that food. You want me to tell you why? I stole that food because I’m hungry and we’re poor. I stole that food so we can all eat. I stole that food because there are some days where I wake up and there is no food to eat. I STOLE that food because I’m sick and tired of being the poorest student at school and being made fun of for that, so yeah mom, I did steal that food. Why do I have to return the food? They’re not going to miss the food. Well it’s not my fault I stole that food. The only person you can really blame is yourself. You would have done the same if your were in my shoes.

I know you raised me better and I know I’m your son Kahlil, but I am the same Kahlil that is a 15 year old poor kid who doesn’t even have a bed to sleep on at night. My name is Khalil and I don’t even have food in my cabinets and I have to sleep cold on the floor with no covers while there is a draft coming from the cracks in our broken down walls, in our broken down house because the heat doesn’t work. It’s not my fault that we’re poor. You want me to tell you what else I stole? I stole this Wallet! I stole it because WE NEED MONEY TO LIVE! It has three 100 dollar bills, five 20 dollar bills, a dollar bill, and a 200 dollar visa debit card. I thought that it would help with the bills you pay, and to buy food, and even buy a t.v. We are so poor, that we may as well be HOMELESS. Everytime when I go to school, I get bullied because of my cheap shirt and my cheap shoes or I get laughed at when they say I probably don’t even have a bed to sleep on which they’re right, I DON’T. I am fed up. Now leave me alone mom. I’m grounded? Why? What am I grounded for? For being poor? Am I grounded for wanting to have things that I don’t have. Is that a crime? Is being poor a crime? It’s not fair being poor and it’s not fair that I am being grounded for that. Why you calling dad? Please don’t call...

Hello sir. Yes I stole some food sir, and a wallet sir. I know my name is Khalil and I know I’m not acting like I’m your son but, it’s not my fault that I stole that man's wallet and it’s not my fault I stole some food. WE NEED MONEY! Why don’t you understand that? We need that MONEY to make sure our bathrooms work. We need that freakin MONEY so we can have electricity, and we need that MONEY so my classmates won’t make fun of me because I can’t even wash up. How are you even going to get money sir, I just got more money by stealing then you make in a freaking year. I don’t want to go to my room! Please I’m sorry sir. Don’t beat me...sir.

I don't even know why I'm getting in trouble. How is my outfit inappropriate. Because the rule says no rips allowed? Or because you can see my shoulders? No disrespect but that rule is stupid. I mean like why does it even matter if my jeans has rips in them or not. And if my shirt is off my shoulder. Last time I checked this was highschool with people all older than 14. I don't understand how a shoulder and a knee gets me sent to the principal's office. Anybody who is 14 years or older should be able to control themselves if they see a shoulder or knee right? So you are making me miss the whole school day because of my outfit. I don't understand who I'm hurting by my knees and shoulder being out. Can I call my mom? I need her to hear the reason why I'm getting sent home by you. Unwanted attention? As a young female in today's world I get unwanted attention for everything I do. You have no idea what it feels like to have clothes that you want to wear but don't feel comfortable in them because other people will stare. Or because people don't wear the same things as you , you aren't accepted. We live in a place where girls are told what to wear and how to wear it and if there is too much showing they are called out of their name, or are viewed as less than.  Why should I be defined by the clothes I wear. If I like something I should be able to wear it right? Just because I wear my legs out doesn't make me less of a person right? I go to school, get good grades, help around my house, don't cause trouble and still somehow things don't seem to work in my favor. Yes I’ve read the rule book so maybe it is my fault. If I didn't want the attention I should cover up. You’re right. I understand what I did was wrong and I understand that sending me home is what you have to do.

I know what type of world I live in so I should just learn how to deal with it so I can be accepted. Being accepted is all I really want out of life. I don't want to be looked at as the weird girl or the outcast anymore. If I follow the rules and the norms of society I will be accepted. Even though the norms aren't me I still want to be accepted so I'm going to do all that I can. Maybe instead of adjusting myself to the norms, I can change the norms. In schools teach the students to stop judging people before they know them. And that it is okay not to be accepted by people who don't matter. As a school principal I think teaching your students that they should feel comfortable to wear their skin out if they want to is vital to preparing them for the world. I get sent to school to learn things that I am going to need in the real world. Am I wrong to think that self confidence is something that I will need in the real world? In school you teach us math, reading, science and history but what about self-care?

Amani Harb

November 21,2017

Band C

Final Countdown

Takes place on bed

*It’s the final countdown. The final countdown. Oh….* ← ( song playing in the background)

I remember when Cora and I…. Ughh whenever I hear this song I think of her. We were laying on my bed and… ha it was pretty funny because I stubbed my toe while the song was playing and I was wimping around but then the chorus came on and I started singing anyway and we started cracking up. Oh uh well now that I look back at it, it’s not that funny (laughs a little bit)… She was my best friend for 9 years. We met on the first day of kindergarten she had short blonde hair and glasses.

“Hi my name is Cora what’s your name?” I remember she said this in such an excited voice.

All I could say was, “Anna.” God, I was so nervous to talk with her!

For nine years we shared secrets. For 9 years I asked her for advice. In the fifth grade, she told me about a boy she had a crush on. In sixth grade, we worked together to get all A’s in each class for all four marking periods. In eighth grade we wrote the valedictorian speech together and presented it on stage during graduation. *sigh*

I guess it was the summer of 8th grade that I realized things weren’t the same. Cora became more and more distant. She started to hang out with Sara. Sara transferred to the elementary/middle school that we went to in 7th grade. Sara the girl with the perfect long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I felt so left out (says in a hurt voice). They started wearing the same clothes like we used to do. Even their voices became intertwined they sounded the same….Cora didn’t need me anymore from there everything was always about Sara. It was Sara this, Sara that I even asked her if she liked Sara better than me, and she would say

(says in a snobby voice) “What kind of a ridiculous question is that? Anna we have been friends forever”

She said that yet she started to hang out more with Sara rather than me. I guess she lied straight to my face. What did I do wrong? Did I annoy her at some point? Was it because of Brandon, ‘our’ crush? Was Sara prettier than I was? Or more popular? I always try to go back to times where I did Cora wrong, but there were very little. One time we hung out and she asked if her hair was a mess and of course I answered honestly and said that yeah she looked like she just woke up, did that do it for her? Is that why she won’t talk to me anymore? You know what I don't even care about Cora anymore. I have other people in my life right? I have all of my other friends, I guess i’m not as close with them but we are still friends. I will survive. This is all just part of life. I don’t think that we will ever be the same again, even if we talk about everything that has happened. It has just been too long without her and the trust between us is gone. Cora doesn’t care about me, so I shouldn’t care about her. Like I’ve tried to fix things but she is just not willing to change. I miss her but she doesn’t seem to miss me. Maybe she has changed too much from the girl I met in Kindergarten.

*I guess there is no one to blame. We're leaving ground (leaving ground). Will things ever be the same again? It’s the final countdown* (song plays in the background and slowly gets quieter)

Ughhh, why is the sun so bright? Someone close the shades!

Oh, my god, the tables are turned around facing the front of the classroom, you already know what that means, test day.

This room is so empty and stale, it gives me chills. And what's taking everyone so long to come in. I want to get this test over with!

“Quiet down everyone, Have a pencil and scratch paper be the only things on your desk."(Mocking the teacher) Yes. Yes, we know.

“ I hate math. I hate math.” (Crumble some scratch paper). Okay,  got my scratch paper. Oh, a pencil. I need a pencil! (Scurry through my book bag pockets), nope no pencil here.

Well Hey there Jimmy, buddy let me get that pencil. Uhmm, don’t roll your eyes at me! Gimme that jawn.

Ew, why when the teacher walk around they (exaggerate) have to lick their finger between each distribution of the papers, it’s so nasty. (My leg begins to tap followed by the tip of the pencil). Why does he always approach me with a big sour grin. (I snatch the paper in the mid-air). Honestly, I️ never understood why we got tests? And especially for math? Like how do you study for a math test? For a vocab test, I don't know, you can make flash cards and get your friends to test you? For a history test, you can study the dates and events, But study equations? First of all, I Know the teachers know that I know. So, why are they still making me do this over and over?

 Hmm, let me look at this. Wait, wait hold on there. You can’t be serious. (Hand in the air) Why is it that everytime I ask a question he drags himself over like he has better things to do. So, like uhm are you sure we learned this? (I️ say  peeking up at him with my head tucked between my shoulders.) (Chuckle) Imma takes that as a yes. (Drops pencil.)

Oh yeah, see this kid next to me? His name is Jordan. I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s doing! He hasn’t picked his head up from the paper yet! Watch this. I’m going to sneak up on him and get a good look at the test. Oh no, no! Abort! Abort! He’s looking at me! Imma just look back at my test and act like i’m thinking really hard.

Aye, yeah my pencil dropped. What are you looking at me like that for? Are you trying to copy jordan? Yeah yeah, you better look back on your paper.

That usually works. Oh well, let me just look around the room and hope there's a poster up or something that has the directions on how to do this. (Sigh) Nope, nothing at all.

(tiss)You know what? I’m just not going to do this. Math isn’t my thing. (stutter) I just don’t like math. I liked math in elementary school. You know, when it was all numbers no alphabet. But now it’s just a hot mess. They just said no, numbers aren’t enough so let’s add letters too.

Honestly, i knew i was going to fail this class anyways. The teacher doesn’t like me. I think it’s because I’m the only one that actually has common sense in this class. Everyone is just so vulnerable. They follow all the directions, do all their homework, finish all the class work.

Woah 7 mins left? (I️ pick up the pencil and looked at question one.) Let me actually attempt. It won't hurt i guess.  (I️ stood in shock) I know all of this? Oh my god, I know all of this.

I finished with one minute left. This was so easy. Why did I doubt myself ? I’m good at this. I’m good at math.

I feel like...i'm slowly falling apart

And you think you understand?

She´s Gone!

And all I have left to think about is

her laugh, her smile, her touch, her kisses

It’s been a year!

Sitting with her in the hospital, talking to her while she’s under… nevermind

“I'm tired of being in this hospital, take me home,” is what she said, and it made her realize she's getting tired of nurses that attempt to help her. .

But I knew when she goes home she won't be there for long.

I still hear her say to me, “Hey sweetheart, how you feeling?”

¨I know its hard but you will get threw it because you are a strong independent young lady, and i know you won't let nothing change that¨.

My mom told me when gram knew it was her time to go, she squished her hand tightly and looked her in the eyes and smiled.

My gram died from cancer, and I wasn't there when she passed

Walking into the room I seen everyone crying and my mom taking off her mask

I was Saying to myself ¨ This isn't real, please come back, I need you.

Remembering the first time when she feel out of bed and was rushed to the hospital

Her sitting in bed, getting sick as the days pass.

Do you understand now?

The stuffed nose, the redness in your eyes, the screams in the pillow

Did you know I cried myself to sleep every night.

And nobody, nobody understand the pain I'm going through.

Everytime I see an elder they  slightly resembles my grandmother.

I swear it's her… alive, here in front of me.

And you still say you understand?!

No, no you don´t,

I really miss her, my mom says she´s in a better place.

In a beautiful place called heaven.

Hey Gram,

I know your looking down on me.

Can you see me?

Me and mom try to make your delicious chicken and dumpling, but we can never get it and it makes mom sad because she wishes you were with her so you can teach her the recipe.

Can you hear me?

I need for you to hear me when I cry at night and tell me it's going to be ok, and you are always here with me.

I really really miss you

And I try not to be sad and I'm trying not to cry but it hurts and it's so hard

You feel my pain? You feel my pain?

Huh, Ridiculous…

People only notice someone when they are happy,having fun but never notice when they’re upset or scared.

And it hurts.

It hurts when you realize your tears aren't as important as your smile.The desire to cry, the desire of feeling sadness for someone who is no longer here

Is linked to emotional stress

But the most difficult thing is to stay moving on in life

But the easiest part is acting like everything is ok and pretending to wear a smile.

I’ma just stop explaining myself because i just realized all I needed was for someone to listen to me. So moving on, tomorrow i will continue to work on my improvements of moving on in life,But still having that section in my heart for my grandma.

Laugh!!!

Im so glad you understand me at the end.

So now you are willing to help me strive for excellent for my future goal and career.

Thank you so much!!