To person: What are you doing Emmy! He’s literally right in front of you!

To self: Okay it's 10:33, I should be done by at least 11ish, leaving me about an hour to finish my homework. Why do teachers have to give us projects and homework? What's the point of school if we have to do the work at home? I mean everyone knows 80% of the kids just look up the answers for whatever they demand us to do. Do teachers want our childhoods to be spent having anxiety and breakdowns over every other project? Why give us this busy work? And why give us so much work? How much homework do I have for one night? Just tonight I have Four 3-step equation problems, answer questions for a 10 page document, answer 10 questions for biochem, write a 500 word script in spanish, write a 3 paragraph film analysis, and write a 600 word draft for a monologue. Now each of these things are simple, but in 1 night. 1 night!

To person: Emmy why is everybody in this game so toxic? I make 1 mistake and this kid will not stop crying   .

To self: Okay so I don’t have history tomorrow, so I can do that homework tomorrow after school. Then I can do biochem in the morning, Math and the film analysis at lunch, leaving the spanish script and the monologue for tonight. I'm a decently fast typer so it should be fine. As long as this game doesn't last too long.

To person: Can you guys actually try so we can win already? I got homework I still have to do. No you’re not even trying, you keep using the scout which is utter garbage. (Slam fist on desk) It's not my fault I procrastinate… (realization, over exaggerated sigh)

To self: I can’t keep doing this to myself. I had 3 days to do the monologue, the entire week for history, 2 weeks to do the spanish script and the film analysis. I promise after today I will no longer procrastinate. If these assignments weren’t due until the morning I’d be screwed. Wait… Are they all due in the morning? Sometimes they switch it up… Nah probably not right.... I should check to be sure. (pause) No. NONONONONONONONONONO! Why is the monologue have to be due at 12!? That's nowhere near enough time! There's no way I’m gonna finish I don’t even have an idea yet.

To person: OH MY GOD WOULD YOU JUST DO ANYTHING! YOU LITERALLY HAVE DONE NOTHING FOR THE TEAM. I NEED TO GO AND I'M NOT GETTING BANNED BECAUSE YOU SUCK!

To self: Okay Okay I’ll just type on my phone between rounds… I’m so stupid. I should’ve just done the projects in the first place. Then I wouldn’t be stressed out every night getting a max of 4 hours sleep.

To person: God our teammates were trash… Good Game! Hey Emmy you up for another game? I can just do my homework in between rounds. (3 second pause) Aw come on, can’t you do your homework later?

“Midnight Sprees”

How do I feel today? (sarcastically) I wonder. I feel (gasp) the way I do every time I’m in this room with you. You ask me this question every week, Lydia, and I answer in the same way. I’m fine. I sit in this bland office with cushy chairs, and I’m always fine. I don’t want to be here. I never want to. I want to leave this place and never look back. I don’t need help, and I certainly don’t need your talk therapy. But y’know, my parents just can’t accept that, so here I am. My parents can’t handle the idea that their precious little girl can deal with bullies.

(Pause)

They sent me here because they care? Really? They didn’t care, or notice, when I came home with bruises and a tear-stained face. My mother just kept playing solitaire, and my dad just kept working. He doesn’t even really need to work that much, we’re kinda well-off, but he never seems to spend time outside the office. Also, they didn’t care at all when you brought them in here for a therapy session. I mean, really, they pretty much told you that it’s your job to fix me, not theirs. (sarcastically) Oooh, therapy. They just want me out of their way. Speaking of, there was also that time when they didn’t care about... (trails off)

(Pause)

It’s nothing. I’m serious, really. Nothing. (pause) No, I’m fine. (tugs on sleeves) Fine… You really are that desperate to know? I almost killed myself. There I said it. Proud of me now, Lydia? Have I lived up to your standards?

(Pause)

You didn’t need to know. What had happened was… I got fed up. It was another day, with the same bullies and the same insults… (voice gets a little lower) “slut, whore, fatass”. The same voices in the back of my head nagging at me all day. Too many bodies on my mind. So… that night I decided I didn’t want to go through with it anymore. I cut myself, instead of others. But then I got scared. There was so much blood, and I wasn’t used to it coming from my own body. My victims never fought back. I called Andrea, and she rushed over to help me. She doesn’t know about my late-night habits. You don’t even know about them. We managed to stop the bleeding with a t-shirt, and to clean up my room. My parents never go in there anyways, so it doesn’t really matter, but just in case. I drank a lot of water and juice, and ate some food. Andrea told me that I have to tell you, but I didn’t really mean for you to find out…

(Pause)

Why? Well because of the feelings and the thoughts coursing through me, why else? I’ve killed people, and it lurks in the back of my mind- who am I going to kill next? I just can’t decide sometimes and it eats me alive. Y’know that feeling when you’re underwater in a pool and you can hear everything but it’s muffled? That’s what it feels like. Until I feel someone’s blood in between my fingers, until I hear their screams, muffled by whatever I stuck in them to shut them up. Nothing is ever still. It feels like everything is always vibrating; me, my school, my life, my heart, my head. Everything. My heart beats faster than ever lately. I always feel like people are out to get me, and even in a room full of friends I feel so lonely. All I think about is my next murder.

(Pause)

Yeah, I guess… I do see it as a problem… I almost killed myself, for god's sakes! Maybe I do need help… (speaking pace quickens) What if I’m beyond help or beyond care? What if I’m too broken? (pause) I’m too broken. It’s pointless. But… What if it isn’t? I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know what to feel or think; I just can’t be this way anymore! I’ve killed three people this month. They didn’t make the news- doesn’t look like a serial killer. The first was an old man-- I poisoned him, it looked like suicide. I helped that old man by putting him out of his misery. The next was a woman, younger. I made it look like a domestic violence case, reported it to the police and everything. The man is in jail, but he sexually assaulted her anyway, so he deserved it. Just last week I killed a woman, an abusive mother. Her daughter is too young to understand, anyway. She’ll learn when she’s older. So really, I’m not doing anything bad.

(Pause)

What, no! I’m not going to some asylum. Oh hell no. You’re not going to lock me up in some psych center! I don’t need that. You’re wrong, I’m fine! Or maybe I’m not, but that’s not the point. I don’t need to go to a crisis center… They hurt people there, and I don’t need to be any more hurt than I already am! I don’t need to be sedated or any of that shit! I’m fine.

(Pause)

The police? No, no! Fine, I’ll- I’ll go to your dumb psych center. Just don’t lock me away forever...

You never meant home to me anyway.

Okay

you can do this.

(inhales deeply)

Maybe I can't. No I can't do this, I'm going to tell him. I'm tired of hearing him say that I walk just like a girl or that my voice is too high for him.

(pauses)

But what if he is fine with me being gay. I am his son, right?

I don’t know man, I don't think I can do this, I'm shaking just trying to think what to say

Should I just say, “I'm gay and proud. I don’t care what you’re going to do?”

Or should I not tell him, and just date girls even though I don't like them? I mean that's wrong, right? Playing with their feelings? I'm not a fuck boi

(pauses)

I can't keep this from him anymore man , he’s picking up clues:

Clues like me being around girls more than I am with guys.

Clues like me wearing black nail polish saying I'm emo but in reality I just wanna wear it.

When I was younger my nickname to him was fruit cake so he knew that I was gay.

My mom doesn't care.

She wants me to stay true to myself.

She also told me that when i'm ready to come out do it without regret, if he didn't accept me,

Or if he does do something crazy I can just live with my mom, that's why she left right?

She left Because he would hit her repeated for reasons like when she didn't serve his food once he entered the house from work

Because she didn't want to lay with him because he smelt like a damn whole bar

He used to mark her all up with bruises and busted lips

That's the reason why my brother Matthew isn't here now because she had a miscarriage

Man fuck this, fuck it man, I have to tell him.

Okay I can do this I can do this okay I got it.

Breath, Jonah breath.

(Breaths in and out)

I'm ready

(pauses)

Dad can we talk I have something I wanna tell you please don't scream please dont.

Remember when you used to call me fruitcake because I would act and talk just like a girl?

Well I have to tell you something

(inhales in and out)

I am

(cough)

I am... I am..

(coughs)
I like like guys okay I like guys

(Pauses)

No this isn't a phase you obviously knew I was, because you mocked me on a daily basis.

What are you crazy? Are you? Therapy won't fix this, I am gay and that's what I am you can't change that.

But dad I'm your son are you kidding me

Man I knew you weren’t  going to approve cause you’re a damn homophobe you despise gay people with a passion.

(Starts to get upset)

What! No you listen to me, you can't tell me that I have to date girls to live here I'm not going to live a lie and claim I have feelings for them.

Okay then I will pack my bags and leave.

You never meant home to me anyway.

We never had a son bond anyway

That father and son bond

You never came to my talent shows, never showed up to none of my Father and Son dances at least I was active in school and participated in events

No wonder mom left your miserable ass your so damn judgemental and abusive

Beating her up and making her have a miscarriage

The only brother i’ll only have

But What ever Daniel I’ll be out of your hair after I'm done packing

You know what? Go to hell, asshole.

(Slams door)

Rose

Kate, It’s me TJ. Can I talk to you for a minute?  So I have a problem. So you know how my little sister Rose and I have currently moved in with our aunt  about three months ago, and its been tough. Last week when Rose came to school with the bruises and black eye on her face, I told you that she had got into a fight. The thing is, she didn’t get into any fight. Our aunt has been hitting her.

But wait please don’t tell anyone yet, It’s my aunt, and I don’t want her to get arrested. It started around the first few weeks of school. Rose and I were still getting used to living with her.

We came in the house from school, and Rose didn’t say hello. So my aunt  ran up to Rose in her face screaming at her, saying ¨when you come in this house you speak to me!”. Of course she started to cry. The woman threw her backpack across the room and just started hitting her.

What did I do? I know that she wouldn’t just do this out of nowhere.

She says if I ever try and help Rose in this kind of situation she would get her boyfriend on me. Kate I don’t know what to do. I’m only 13 and I know I can defend myself from people my age, but a 27 year old man, I don’t know. I really haven’t seen her boyfriend. I know he comes there a lot but he only stops at the door to give my aunt money. And Rose. Rose is only 9. She can’t defend herself at all. I can’t call anyone because she took my cell phone and uses it for her “orders”. So I just figured that I open up to you.

It’s so crazy because I know my aunt  like the back of my hand.. When we were little, she wasn’t  like this at all. She would always take Rose and I to the park and get us ice cream from the ice  cream truck. When my mother was arrested, she was right there ready to take us in. Oh and I know she only took us for the money. She walks in the house with a new purse everyday. I don’t know if it’s the money she gets from her boyfriend or the state.

But Rose. I’m scared for her. She barely gets any sleep because she is scared that she will come in and take her away, so I hold her to make her feel safe. She screams and cries from the nightmares she has from her. She can’t get comfortable when sleeping because of the bruises on each arm hurts her.

Rose has gotten so quiet. She talks when she is told to and only when she is told to. Even in school. She only talks to me when we wake up for school in the morning. If momma could only be here for us. Man I know things  would be different. Rose would go back to being the old Rose. Playing with her dolls, having friends over every friday. Just… Happy.

Dopamine

Oh my god, there he is! The boy I was telling you about. Be cool, be cool.

(pause)

Every time I see Tyler, it’s like 20,000 shots of dopamine gets released from my brain. He walks towards me and I lock my eyes into his, like a reminder to brush my teeth twice a day, every day -- just in case we get close. My eyes wander down to his lips, what a perfect pair of lips. I look at his arms, nice and strong. He walks away from me and I feel myself gazing at his butt. (Shakes head) Snap out of it Billy. If he turns around and looks down he’ll see you with that, and then you’ll be exposed. Fucking snap out of it!

(Pause. Billy is turned towards audience, but isn’t looking at them. He’s talking to his best friend Jor (h-or))

I know, I know, Jor. It’s wrong, I just can’t help myself though. He’s so sexy. And it’s not even like a, “damnnnn boy! Look at your body” type sexy, it’s like a,  “damnnn boy! Your face, your body, your style is just a turn on.” And his personality just melts my heart. He’s perfect.

(Pause)

What do you mean “how does his personality melt your heart?” Like the way he--well, it’s more like how he--It’s like when you’re on a roller coaster. When you’re waiting in that long line and you’re preparing yourself for what’s about to happen. You finally get up to the gate and see the other people slowly pull off in the roller coaster. A few seconds later, you hear their screams--the beginning is scary and challenging, but in the end, you know they’re having a good time. Then, they come back, and they look so happy. The only difference with me is that I never get in the line, I’m too scared.

(Pause)

No, it’s not alright! I want him, but I’m too scared to tell him. I’m such a pussy.

(Pause)

You really think so? I mean, I kind of think I am. I don’t know, maybe you’re right. Ughhhh, I wish I had the balls to tell him.

(Pause)

No, I don’t! What if he looks at me like I’m crazy? Or what if he laughs and tell everyoneeeeee I’m gay? I can’t go through that humiliation. I mean, commmmmme on! How would you feel if your crush told everyoneeeeeee you liked him? Huh? (Sits down on a bench)

(Pause)

Yeah, that’s what I thought, but--

(Pause)

Wait...what?

(Pause)

So, you’re saying you wouldn’t be humiliated?

(Pause. Billy is confused)

What the fuck? ...Why not?

(Pause)

So, you’re basically saying you wouldn’t be upset if the whole school, including your crush, knew you liked him? You wouldn’t be upset to know that everyone in school knew you were gay? You would instead feel relieved?

(Pause) Damn...you have guts. You know what, you’re right. I’m gonna rip a page out of your book, and tell him. I’m gonna tell him that I like him, and he’s gonna act normal and not tell anyone that I told him I liked him. Yeah, of course. It’s totally normal for guys to like guys. Yeah! I totally got this. Yeah, because it doesn’t matter if he laughs at me, or if he doesn’t. I had the courage to tell him, which is all that matters. But how do I do it? Oh myyyyyyy God (sits down and puts face in hands). It’s like one thing after another! Like, Jesus Christ! Can I get a freaking break!

(Pause and takes face out of hands) You’re right. I don’t need to take time out of my day to flip out about what to say, or if he’ll tell everyone. He should respect me as a human being who has feelings. He should acknowledge my courage and strength to even talk to him, so that’s what I’m gonna do.

(Gets up and walks over to Tyler)

Hey, what’s up?

(Sighs)“It’s good to see you too, Em. But I’m not Hope. I’m Faith.” (Turns to audience) But am I? At least I think I am. I mean, I’ve been around to see 15 years of my life. I should know. Sadly Emily still doesn’t know.

I wish I can accept it and push it of, but Em, I can’t. Like really, like, you’ve been friends with my big sis for like 18 years and me for like 15 of them. That should be enough time to see the differences between us, right? YES, I look like Hope. I get it. But we are different. Different people, different names, just … different. I mean yeah, we do similar stuff from time to time. How was I supposed to know a handful of that will turn into a lifetime of confusion with telling the difference between two people? I mean like, you even got the twins’ names right but you can’t get my name right. You can’t identify me? Seriously?

Do you see this? Are you kidding me! My friend? My own friend? (Calms herself. Looks to the roof) You know what … I don’t even know if you’re my friend. I don’t even  know if anyone is my friend. Like, the first thought that comes to y’all head when you see me is Hope? Hope, that one girl whom I’m related to. The one girl that’s like an itch that can’t be relieved, no matter what you try to do. That ONE GIRL where I, me, Faith Patterson, is forced to live in her shadows. Just sitting there, never to be truly seen.

I mean, yeah she’s a good person ‘n’ all. S-she’s a people’s person just like mom. People love people’s person that can talk clear. She’s not awkward socially. She’s unique. People like unique people. Not me. I’m just the opposite. Just last Saturday she was invited to three parties. She’s the life of the party. I wanted to say “Is she the life of us all too?” That’s not even the worst part. I was right next to them when they invited her. They turn their backs towards me. They didn’t- They didn’t want me there, but I can’t blame them. Who would want a socially awkward person who tries to be her best to not be at their party? But I just don’t understand. Am I wearing a mask with her face or something?

Why? Why are the people so confused? We’re different. I try to make that clear. I dress different from her, no matter how uncomfortable. If she looks casual, I look professional. Elegant. If she wears jewelry, I don’t. If she wants to wear make-up, I don’t want it. I mean, I’ll probably look like a clown … or pretty for John. I did tell you- Did I tell you he was at the party with Hope too? I heard that they were dancing together at the parties. Whatever, off topic. If I wear make-up, maybe I can attract people. Or maybe- you know what, forget it. It’s a hope. A dream. I’ll never get noticed. Not if I keep being myself … right? I mean, like, I’ve won many rewards and went to places. But everyone else at school has done that countless times. Even my sister Hope. It’s nothing special. I’m not special. Not like them. What if I can’t be like them? Or like Hope? Or like anyone? Who am I supposed to be?  So I have a question. When will you people notice me? Not the mask I put up for you, a smile that can fool obviously the average person for 15 years. Look closely. I’m the one who’s deprived of a-affection. I’m the one who has a humor and snorts when laughing. The one that’s in the background, chained down by the ignorance of you  people and forced to watch everyone else in the sun. Will you notice me when if I was as skinny as my sister? Will you notice me if I was as pretty as Alana? Will you notice me if I showed the cuts that litter my skin?

I wish Layla was here. It’ll be nice to be seen right about now. Now she’s gone. I lost her to a drunk driver. He survived. Only a few scratches. Not her though. One minute she’s here, the next, she’s in a funeral bed. And I didn’t have enough strength to even go to say my last word to her. I guess why people also like Hope. She knows what to say to others while I can’t say anything to myself…

Layla, if you hear me, I … I’m sorry. For not going to your funeral. For not saying what I wanted to say to you as your spirit was alive there at the time, before I had to adjust life without you. You’ll always be my best friend. I’m glad I have you for a best friend. Because I don’t know who is. Everyone moved on. I’m stuck in one place. I just want to ask you if God tells you if I’ll have a miracle soon. A person like you anytime soon perhaps? A person who’ll notice that I’m in pain. Just let me know in any way you can, ok? Knowing you, you’ll go overboard. Anyway, I’ll listening out for you.

Hey, mom, I am home. Oh sorry I forgot to I will get it done when I get done my

Breath

ok, but I need to do my homewo... ok mom fine I will get it done right now

Although really, I don't care about cleaning when I have homework that needs to be done

I don't understand why I have to do this now this is wasting time I could spend doing homework.

And you ask why I am failing a few of my classes. Ho, I did not say anything it's not like people listen to me anyway.

I am going to go to the bathroom I have to go take a whizz. What are you in my room for, I did not start cleaning it, wow ok where did you find that. No, I asked you a question first where did you find that at. Oh ok, so you went into my bag and found marijuana. It's cool because that's not mine I don't smoke.

Oh shit I  don't have any idea what to do or what to say, I already know I am going to get kicked out the house for having it but if she knows I smoke it that means that I am dead.

If I tell you the truth than you will just talk over me and I never get what I wanted to say. If you really want to know you need to calm down and have a conversation with me like I am 17 Years old and a junior in high school.

SHIT do I really tell her the truth or do I make up something.

Are you ready mom? Ok then here is the truth. I am stressed you give me thirty things to do and then you get mad at me when I forget to do one thing you then you say that I am not getting anything done and I did not do anything but I clearly did and you can see what I did. You don't understand how much I have to do and you hit me when the things not there, like hitting me is going to make the situation better. Every night I go to sleep crying with no food in my stomach because we don't have money and I have to work two jobs just to get a bag of chips some sprite.

pause

Oh, that's not the half of it

pause

as soon as I come home you are always yelling at me like today. (Yelling) Stop talking when I am talking if you don't like it when people do it to you why would you do it to them

Breathe.

Thank you. Now another thing is that you want things done as soon as you say it that's not how it works you are treating me as a slave and I tell you things and you don't  them right now so why, should I have to. What because you are an adult ok and I am a teenager and may people say I am a young gentleman, and gentlemen and men are adults so, I think you can call me an adult too. But I am a young adult so I should be able to make my own decisions. From now on, I want to be respected and when I say that I have more important things to do that means that I have homework to do, and if I don't get to it right away that does not mean that I will not get it done. So I guess what I am asking you to do is just chill out ok. Thank you. I am going to do my homework. Yeah…  OH, the weed in my bag?