Serge Mass Christ-mess

Oh my god! I am just so excited for christmas Tommy, you do not even know. What do you want santa to bring you? (take a pause)

Oh thats cool and let me get my list from my mom or see if she has it. Give me a second…  

Hey mama do you have my christmas list that you mailed to santa, I wanna tell Tommy what I want Santa to get me. (take a pause)

No I can’t wait, I need it now i’m on the phone with him now! (open up the door)

Mom… wait… what is… that? Wait woah what are you doing with Need For Speed: Most Wanted? Toys for Tots don’t accept video games and Ian already got it……… Wait… is that for… Me?

Mom, are you santas helper? hahaha I knew it! (Take a break and observe)

How mom? There is no way he is fake. Nooooooooooo! (take a break)

Uhh Uhh! (say with confidence) Mom, all my friends all get gifts from Santa except for JJ because he is jewish and he gets presents from his parents but, you… you just don’t undewwstannndddddd! There is no way that you can buy me these gifts mom, its just too much… Santas elves made these presents. (take a break)

Fine then mom please tell me how “santa is fake”! (wait a little bit)

So I sat on some guy that was dressed up as santa at the mall for the last 7 years?

Uhh Uhh you and pop would ever lie to me, not for the last 7 years no way! Anyways last week you guys told me to never lie. When… when I threw my lunch box at JJ last week and I told my teacher I didn’t and I lied… you… you got really mad. Well now I am mad mom… you two lied to me.  I don’t understand… why, why would parents lie to their children for all of these years?!?! (take a break)

Mom that makes absolutely no sense at all, but if you say so, then I guess it’s true just like SANTA BEING REAL! Ugh I… just cannot believe this. Well how will I do this for my kids when I get older? I don’t want to lie to them! ( take a break)

Well… I guess I understand, but when do I tell them… when do I break the truth to them? (Take a break)

What do you mean “I will know when the time is right”? I just found out the hard way mom. Ugh you… you are just… I don’t know… Wait… wait… wait a minute. I guess this was the time! Ohhhhh I understand now… I have got to tell everyone!

*runs to grab phone and starts dialing*

Tommy guess what I found out?!

Education is all I’ve ever been worried about, not because my parents would tell me that education is the key to success or that I wanted to get the most money when I found my ideal career, it’s just that my pursuit of of all things knowledgeable willed me to want to know everything about everything, even the smallest details.

Jackasses who go to school for other reasons are people I can’t really stand. “Oh I’m only in school until my football career takes off and I become the next Peyton Manning Cuz I’m Just that good.” Sit your ass the fuck down Kyle Carter who’s going to community college later this year, you are not that good and the statistical chance of you getting into the NFL is slim-shit cuz you can’t run or have the proper arm to be a quarterback. But all fun aside I hope the best for Kyle who will probably bald by the time he is 30 and will spend all of his days in a cubicle, yeah good luck throwing footballs with typist's cramp.

Speaking of Athletic, I’m 6’3 220 pounds, I can bench press more than my own weight. People always ask why I don’t become a linebacker or something but the answer is simple, playing sports does nothing for nobody. When was the last time that the guy who threw the discus farthest got up and saved the life of a newborn baby suffering from anemia? Or a wrestler like John Cena, when did he save a family of four stuck in a burning building? I feel like my physical body is just a bonus in life, my real saving grace is obviously my mind which allows me to comprehend and understand material better than the rest of the world.

It’s 3 a.m and I’m packing up to leave for my flight to Massachusetts. This is the last day I spend in Bozeman, Montana. From the day you step out of your house you get two choices, conform and become like everyone else have friends casting away any shots at being successful, or cast aside any social interactions I… crap I mean you will ever make. Yes I took the more saddening option but I refuse to be tethered to the ground by idiots who will never pass high school. They’re all so close-minded… The struggle of having both an academic and social mind is just impossible. But screw all of that.

I’m going to go to Harvard and eventually go to graduate school for law. That way when I become a Prosecutor I can berate people for their asinine actions and get paid for. Its a pension, great salary, and health benefits all for the price doing what I love. I’m going to see all those jerks in court on trial for committing stupid crimes like muggings and robberies. In that moment all of my social suffering will have been worth it.

I know what you guys are thinking “But there is so much more to law! helping people, giving out second chances!” second chances and help are for those who can make a difference in other peoples lives, not some drunk driver who ran over a mother and 2 of her three children orphaning the third one. Sometimes there are just too many reasons for people not to receive that second chance, and as a Prosecutor I plan to find out whether or not people deserve one.

I’ve got too many gripes with people, I throw up in my mouth a little every time something hypocritical happens, its amazing if I keep my breakfast down for more than a few hours.

I know you all have seen those people outside wearing the the T-shirts that say “Non-Conformist” or “Retro” or some shit about saving some obscure animal which is clearly not fit to survive in today’s modern environment. Those people have always ground my gears. They act as if they are outside of society because they aren’t conforming to the norms when in reality they are just the trendsetters changing the norms around which eventually everyone will catch on to.

I am going off on a rant. I never fit into social groups, not even the subpar ones. They all seemed so beneath me. That’s why I sit alone at lunch. That’s why people rarely talk to me. That’s why I’m rarely noticed even though I’m a physical behemoth. But that’s all gonna change, because people in college will be just as sophisticated as me, no more being forced into one group of one type of person. I won’t have to be all alone anymore. I’ll be with equals just like me, right?

(Alarm clock goes off)

“YAWNNNN. What time is it? (looks at time).

“It’s only 5:00. I got some time left.” (hits the snooze button. Then the alarm goes off again minutes later)

(Groans) “I don’t wanna get up for school! (Sigh) I don’t want to go to school.And it’s a Monday too?! Ughh, why does it need to be Monday already? I was having the best weekend. Went shopping a little. Bought the new Jordans and Lebrons. Partying non-stop on saturday night not leaving until 3 in the morning. But now school comes around to end the happiness with boring work and annoying teachers.

Oh snap! I forgot to do my homework too!  Just great.

Now my day is going to be ruined and my A's and B's are now going to be C's. What am I going to do? This is bad I can't go to school today. Wait. That's it. I won't go to school today! That's a great idea! I won't go to school today then that way I can finish my homework then when I'm done, I can have a free day to do whatever I want and a house all to myself. This is going to be good. Ok let me make some fake coughs really quick. (Cough Cough). “Mom! Mom! My stomach hurts really bad and my head throbbing. I don’t want to skip school today but I think I might have to because I’m in so much pain. Mom please! I’m not asking for much. I only asked to stay home this one day that’s all. I promise I won’t do anything bad. Come on you know nothing’s going to happen. So are you going to allow me to stay home? Thanks mom! You're the best. Yeah I remember where the chicken noodle soup is. Yes mom I know to lock the door and not to answer the phone unless it’s you. Ok mom have a good day. Love you too.

( Waits a few minutes). YES! She’s gone. Now I got this house to myself and now I can do whatever. Ok what’s first on my list. Alright. First, I’m going to make the best breakfast in the world. 4 eggs with bacon, 2 things of toast, and I can’t forget about that orange juice. After my little meal, imma play me some 2K14 and fry these niggas with The Heat and Lebron. Yeahhh! Can’t forget the squad though. Then maybe I can go Downtown and do some shopping or just chill down there. That’s a good idea!. This is perfect! Ok got the best day to start the week off with but I there’s something that’s not right. I can’t remember something that I had to do. Did I leave something out? No. I don’t think so. Oh yeah that's right! Homework. I got homework I have to complete! Man, who am I kidding. I wasn’t going to do it in the first place. I can just turn it in late or something. But wait! I had to come in today to get help with the homework and do redo a quiz and this is the last day! And it’s too late now. I’m late to school and my mom just left so I’m screwed. Oh man. My chill day has been put on hold. Damn. I messed up. I messed up really badly. Way to go genius. Way to go.

Do you remember the fun we used to have here? The unerasable smiles on our faces? Everything disappeared here. Our problem and worries vanished at the sight of bright twinkling lights and the smell of funnel cake.

This was were we first met, remember that Ruth? It was 1939, I had just turned fifteen. The boys and I came here to celebrate at the new amusement park. Sea Side Amusement Park, thats what we used to call it. It was like nothing the town had ever seen.  The whole gang of us, Mickey, Jerry, Fred, Ricky, and Hugh... I was waiting in line for the tilt-a-whirl with Jerry and Fred when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and there you were. You said, “Excuse me Mista, could I borrow five cents for some cotton candy? I can pay ya back next week.” Without hesitation I gave you my last five cents. After that I figured I wouldn’t ever see you again, so the next week when I saw you there you could imagine my surprise.

But that’s all going to be gone soon anyway. This park that we held so near and dear to us is being knocked down to build some sort of new shopping complex. Even after the rides stopped running and the game booths gave away their last toys we always came back. Every year on our anniversary, we would walk through this park and remember. But now that you are gone, this park is all I have left of you. And they want to take it away. Ruth, I am scared I don’t want to forget all the fun we had here. Like right over there! The gazebo where we would all sit, us two, Mickey, Fred, Jerry, Mary Sue, even Annie from time to time. And over there! Right next to the House of Mirrors was where we had our first kiss. Right there, was our bench. I carved our names inside a heart so that every time someone would walk by, they would know that Ruth and Joe were in love. This park was our sanctuary, even in grief we still found it beautiful.

After Fred, and Mickey and even Annie’s funerals we came here. We held each others hand and remembered the fun we all used to have. And then you died, Ruth... I don’t know if it was meant to be, or God’s cruel way of saying “Enough.” It was our anniversary, we were supposed to come here together, but instead I came here alone. Without your hand to hold I sat in the rotting gazebo and remembered. I remembered how you would fixed your hair after riding the tilt-a-whirl, how you would hold my hand as we walked through the side show tent, and how you smiled after that first bite of cotton candy. This place is a kingdom of memories to me, and they want to take it away. So is the world losing is beauty or am I too old to see its colors?

Oh, Woof, I hope teacher is nice. I hope she likes to play with blocks and legos! I hope she is like mommy and likes to read to me, or like daddy and likes to play with my trucks! Oh, Woof, I want to bring you with me, but mommy says she doesn’t want me to lose you in school. You’re my best friend Woof.

I hope teacher giggles when I tell her the joke I learned. I wish I didn’t have to leave this fort, that I could just stay here instead of school. You get to stay on my bed all day, it’s not fair! Oh, Woof, I’m scared. I hope teacher tells the kids to be kind. I hope the kids like to play doctor. Mommy said that we play outside with the big kids. I hope they are kind too.

Have you ever been to kindergarten? Did you like it? Was teacher nice? Did you get a prize for being good? Or a sticker on your homework? Woof, why aren’t you talking? Hello? Can’t you hear me? Mommy said I will make new friends there, but there are going to be girls at school! I don’t like girls. They like dolls and pink! Ewww…! I really wish I could bring you with me! Mommy can’t stay with me either! I don’t want to leave my bed, or my fort, or you, or my house. It’s not fair! I don’t want to go to school, Woof! Mommy wants me to go, but I don’t want to! I don’t want the kids to be mean. I hope they laugh at my jokes too! I don’t want to talk to them, Woof! I just want to talk to you! Daddy said it would be good for me. What does that mean? He said that I will learn to read. I don’t want to, then Mommy won’t read to me anymore.

Mommy thinks I should wear my Superman shirt! I think teacher will like that! Stacy told me school is fun, but she’s a sister! She says there are toys and paper and crayons there! Is she right Woof? Or is she just being a mean sister? Answer me! Wait, magic word… PLEASE answer me! You helped me sleep when I was three, why wont you help me now that I’m five? Can’t you talk?

Maybe I should make new friends, my best friend isn’t… can’t talk to me. If I bring you to school the kids might think I’m a baby. I hear Mommy’s alarm, I have to go soon. Bye Woof! You are good best friend, but I have to make new friends, ones that will talk to me. Bye again!

So, I was cooking dinner for me and my friends, but the meat was burning a bit. Ughh I am not a good cook haha. Relaxing in the house at the lake is the best thing you could ask for. Having five friends with you, and cooking whatever you want. Not having parents around gave us more responsibilities, but this is how people start, right? My friend’s parents let us go because they trust us, and wanted us to have some fun. Being in Poland just visiting my family, and friends made me more excited. But all the rainy days were reallllyyy annoying. My shoes were always wet. Ugh. We had this little yard outside where we sat all the time haha. Omg the meat was so delicious though! I was so full after eating it. We stayed there for about 5 days. After a dinner like we always did, we went into a house at the lake and started cleaning up after dinner. We played cards. It was always fun and screaming at each other for cheating haha.

I was really tired and went to sleep at about 2 in the morning. I wanted to get a lot of sleep so I put my phone on silent, and not pick up. I rang in the morning, but I ignored it. I mean why would I pick up my phone at 5am? Like no one does that. I just kept sleeping. My phone called like two times. It was extremely annoying like I just wanted to throw it against a wall. I checked the time and it was after 7am. In my mind I thought ‘why would someone keep calling?’. Maybe I should pick it up finally. Like I can still go back to sleep, but on the other side my bed is sooooo warm and comfortable. Ughhh I picked up the phone. It was my uncle. You could hear that I was really tired. He asked if I was still sleeping. Like really? Of course I am sleeping. What  teenager would wake up at 7am in the summer. He asked me if I could get a ride right now or something. I am was realllyyyyy confused. I just started asking questions like why? What happened? When? Huh??? What’s going on???!?!?! After he told me my grandpa passed away my life just stopped. I got up really quick and went outside. My best friend came outside after me and hugged me. My whole body was shaking. And my hands omgggg (showing how my hands were shaking). I didn’t even know what I was doing at that time. I ran back into the house, and just grabbed my bag, and told my friend not to wake the others. I said I am really sorry, but I have to leave. She understood. I left as quickly as I could. It was raining that day. My shoes were soo wet. The street was bumpy. I was tripping on my way. I was almost at the bus stop, but then I saw the bus leaving. Like really?

There was this guy unpacking some things from his car. He looked kinda weird. I was crying on my way home. He asked me if I need a ride home. I was so in shock that I did not even think about caring about myself. I only cared to see my grandpa before they take him. He started asking me random questions about me. He was going in the same direction, kind of. I told him to drop me off at the next bus stop.

OMG yo, it’s not that serious mom.

I bought it for you, you can’t accept a gift like damn! I was tryin’ to do something nice for you!

Ard I hear you.

What’s this?

Oh, a letter from dad. “Dear Keshone, I want to apologize again for the decisions I made that caused this to happen. I’m glad that you’re writing back constantly though, thanks. So how’s school? I know you are your sister are keeping those grades up! Listen son, I know we had this conversation last time you came, but I wanted to let you know again how bad I feel. I know you’re in high school and have a lot going on and becoming a man you feel obligated to provide. You’re my son. Look, all I’m saying is listen to your mom, do what she asks. Try bonding with Jada or something. Don’t make stupid decisions like I did; I’m telling you, everything it seems to be, isn’t always what it really is. I would’ve stopped dealing a long time ago if I knew this would be the consequence. Just think about what you doing. I love you kid. You make me even more proud everyday. Tell everybody I love them. Dad.”

God. Umm, I’m not really sure how to do this so is it okay if I just talk?

I know when I used to go to church they’d say “Dear Heavenly Father…” or something. And by the way, they need to keep that church two blocks down open at all times. I tried to go but it was locked last night.

(sigh)

I don’t know what to do. I tried this lil trapping business so I can help, ya know? I just wanted to stop hearing my moms cry, Jada’s complaining about this and that and now she done had her own baby knowing our situation! Moms is out of work taking care of the baby too. It’s not my fault I was hindered with the responsibility to pick up where he left off. I never imagined moms worrying bout where she’s going to get our next plate from, how she gonna pay this bill, and I got all those senior dues coming up. Man, when pops was here he treated her like a queen and I want to do the same but she seems to have a problem with my recent gift. You know how many drops I had to make to get her that. I ain’t even gone tell you how much I paid for this Louis Vuitton bag. Well, you could guess. But seriously, I’m not selling drugs for just the designer stuff, that was just some little extra money left over, but I want my mom to know that I’m doing this for her. Busting my ass, I’m sorry. I mean, busting my behind to help her out, she don’t even know I have it all worked out so she doesn’t have to worry bout nothin no more. God, please,  just please give me some type of sign that we’ll be ard and I’ll stop.

YES MOM! Yo…(breathes heavily)

Why she trippin’ ? She wasn’t even suppose to be in my damn room anyway! Don’t go diggin for something and when you find something get all mad!

No, lemme stop. I’d be suspicious too if I found a Louis Vuitton bag full of money and drugs. I got her though…I’ll stop, soon as I get my sign.

(slams bedroom door behind him)

Mom, please, not right now. I’ll be right back

(slam front door)

Ah, well, um this isn’t a problem isn’t it? The crash landing lights are on; lovely, this is just great. And I was supposed to go to Annie’s wedding tonight, wasn’t I? I have a time machine, I can just go back to her wedding. I actually don’t need to worry about that. This is just smashing. Brilliant. I’ll have to tell my advisor that this was a great research project. Oh… My… God… Well, let’s see where we are? Welcome To Jamestown, Virginia, established 1607.  I’m really back in the past, aren’t I? That kid can’t be more than 10 and she’s got a hoop skirt on. I really hope that kid doesn’t see me. What am I supposed to tell her, I’m some alien space man from the future. Great.

I can’t just walk up to that girl and ask her what year it is. I have a t shirt on that says there’s no place like 127.0.0.1 and cargo shorts. People at home don’t get that joke, a kid who lived before computers certainly won’t. I couldn’t even pretend to be from this time period and just what I need is for some little kid running back into town being like “Mommy, there’s some weird guy in the woods with a shiny thing and I don’t know what it does and he has weird clothes and talks funny!”

Well, the circuit board is still functional, no electricity fried it so I should be able to get the computer back up and running. Everything else looks fine, it was just a computer malfunction. So if I can get the computer up and running, then it should be fine. The only problem is that I have one shot and if I fry the circuit board then I’m stuck. And wouldn’t that be smashing? If I connect the red wire to the positive contact I should be able to get the electrons to flow through the conductive wire and then if should… (connects wire) No, that doesn’t work. At least I didn’t fry the circuits.

(drops phone) My phone! I should keep that in my pocket, I don’t need them seeing an iPhone. Wait….. My phone has a signal… Why do I have a signal? That’s strange… and the date is still the same on the phone. The time zone chart says that its May 3, 1830 here, but it says that its April 20, 2080 in Tokyo.

I broke the quantum fields. The time machine tore the fabric of time and space… and… now the US is stuck in 1830 while the rest of the world advances. Hey Einstein, sorry I broke your theory of general relativity. I swear to god, if I make it back I want my Nobel Prize in physics. I figured out how to tear the very fabric of the universe. I broke the space time continuum.

At least it’ll be a good story to tell at the conference next week. Hey guys, guess what the post docs at Cornell do? We build a time machine and then tear the space time continuum and get stuck in colonial Virginia. Good advertising to get some grant money there, Cornell puts your money into almost destroying the universe. Key word being almost.  

Alright, so if I connect the blue wire to the red contact and the green wire to the orange contact then the positive and negative charges should….. Shoot, I fried the circuit board.